Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Horri-Bill Awards: Round 1 - Worst Actor and Actress

Worst Actor Nominations:

Tom Cruise: Nominated not just because he is a terrible actor, but because he is so overrated and continues to make crap, and obviously because of his ridiculous comments made on modern-day medical techniques, his stupid religion, and his actions on daytime TV. I have also been instructed to end his worthless life should he mess up one more time. So watch your back, hippie, because you never know when I could get that call.

Ice Cube: Known for his great roles in “xXx State of the Union”, “Torque”, “Barbershop”, “Ghosts of Mars”, and “Anaconda”. There’s no other way to explain how I feel about Cube’s movies than this - they give me explosive diarrhea. Cube, you need to get away from the camera and back behind the mic.

Winner of Worst Actor: Tom Cruise makes me nauseous, and question if there is indeed a God, but there’s nothing worse than having an extreme case of liquid poo. Ice Cube, you win, but we all loose.

Worst Actress:

Katie Holmes: Guilt by association. If some dumb Hollywood bimbo sleeps with Tom Cruise for long enough, she’s going to start believing his propaganda. She’s been brainwashed and is now considered dead to me. But I’d still do her (unless she was legally dead, then I wouldn’t).

Due to a lack of other nominations, the only nominee and winner of Worst Actress is Katie Holmes! Maybe Cruise and Holmes will do some cute “I Love You” movie together to help pay for their wedding, or maybe they’ll break up long before they get a chance to divorce eachother. Either way, it’s sure to be entertaining.

Check back soon for another round of the Horri-Bill Awards, bitches!

Monday, July 18, 2005


Howard Stern Fired

I wake up every day at 6:00AM and expect the Stern show to be playing, amusing me as I get ready for work. What do I hear instead - some disclaimer saying that Howard Stern, the original shock jock, the king of the radio, has been terminated, and David Lee Roth, “the new Jew”, is replacing him as of today.

And after listening to only 15 minutes of Roth’s new show, let me be the first to blog that it is absolutely worthless. This guy is about as entertaining as a wet stuffed animal.

I’m not necessarily a Stern fan; he generally doesn’t know what he’s talking about and can be very bitchy. But the guy gets stupid girls to strip down to their birthday suits in order to get money for titty implants, and so many more incredible things that if I were to try I know I’d get arrested.

Also, without a doubt, Artie is the funniest person on the show and was the reason I started listening and tuned in almost daily.

Stern’s move to Sirius satellite radio has been hyped for well over either months now, and though he will definitely take some time off before starting his new job I’m sure the show will be the same good old show.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Sony vs. Apple

Sony has finally re-entered the market of personal music players for the first time since 1979. Back then, the “Walkman” revolutionized how people listened to music utilizing the audio cassette.

The new Walkman has overtaken Apple’s iPod in Japan for two months in a row, making it the most popular portable music player in the biggest market in the world. However, the only advantage Sony has in Japan that it doesn’t have in the US is that iTunes doesn’t exist in Japan, as it does in Europe and the US.

Apple’s popular iPod has the capability to play downloaded songs from the popular iTunes service, mp3s, and other popular audio formats, as well as the capability to be broadcast over short range FM transmission to either your car or home stereo, or to your blog so other dorks can hear your songs.

Assuming Sony will include the same features for the new Walkmanas Apple does with it’s iPod, with the obvious exception of iTunes compatibility, the question is raised; which portable music player will come out on top, or will there even be a significant impact with the introduction of Sony’s new Walkman at all?

My prediction is that with the popular Sony brand name, as with any other Sony brand name product, the new Walkman digital music player will be overpriced, yet comparable to Apple’s iPod. As overpriced as it may be, Sony will most likely offer incentives to switch from the iPod to the new Walkman, rumored to have it’s own digital download service by the time of a US release (likely to be either Sony based or some other popular service, such as Napster). Mail-in-rebates, free websites (ala freeiPod.com) and subliminal three pronged advertising (subliminal, liminal, and super-liminal) are sure to play a part in Sony’s marketing campaign as it gears up for it’s new era.

PS - Submit entries for the HB Awards or it will surely be a boring contest.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Tom Cruise; Walkin a Thin Line OR I’m Back.

I’m sure everyone is aware of Tommie’s recent hijinx. I’m also sure everyone’s aware of how big a doosh Tommie is. And if you check Fitz’s site, then you’re also aware that if he makes one more slip up, I have an official contract out to kill Tom Cruise. So I’m going to take this opportunity to write my manifesto on good ol’ Tom Cruise.

Listen up, chief, because these may very well be the last words you ever read. Girls say that you’re so cute and hot (nhjic), but after seeing you without a shirt on in one of your crapshit movies, I would compare you to a topless Ishtar.

You’re an overactor, and you take too long to deliver your lines (which is more the director’s and editor’s and writer’s fault than your’s) but I still blame you. Sure you’ve had a few good movies (Collateral, Vanilla Sky, Minority Report, and Magnolia most notably), but the vast majority of your movies have all been the same. You play some rich boy, magazine editor, karate expert bad ass, fighter pilot, sports agent good-guy with nothing to loose until everthing is taken from you. That’s not acting, that’s PLAYING. James Gandolfini in “The Mexican” as a gay hitman, now that’s acting!

I saw that “Inside the Actor’s Studio” with host James Lipton, where you claimed to be so hands on with your every role in every movie from “Top Gun” to “Out of the Closet”, due out sometime next year, where you play some gayfag with aids (not really acting?). You spend months perfecting how your character would act and what he would say, even when you were a nobody. Guess what, genius, you have no right to claim any success for your interpretation of your characters in your movies, because they aren’t created by you; they are created by writers and studio execs. You’re just the face-man, and are as talentless as a blind-deaf prostitute.

You’re not a famous Hollywood hotshot because you’re good, you’re famous because you have been famous for a while and you haven’t done anything incredibly stupid yet. As I said, one more misstep and your life is mine. Keep your $600 an hour hair dresser, and your $500 an hour therapist (if you believe in it) and eff off. In a few years you’ll be forgotten and someone like Bam Margera or The Rock will replace you, and you’ll be in some mental hospital, or in rehab, or hiding in Europe.

The point is, regardless of who kills you or when your life ends or where you hide, you’re still going to be a horri-bill person and a terrible actor.

Speaking of Horri-Bill, I’ve decided to resurrect the HB Awards and turn them into a twice a year event. Send your submissions for actor, actress, movie, and any other category you can think of. Post them here, and Tom Cruise, go to Hell.