Sunday, January 30, 2005

More on the Real Life OC

I hear so much goddamn Simple Plan, Jet, Modern Day Zero, Green Day, Blink 182, Sum 41, Franz Ferdinand, and fake punk crap it makes me want to tear my own ears off. The musical taste of LA (at least at USC) is as diverse as the latest "Now That's What I Call Music" album. I would much rather listen to nothing but Macho Man's flopped rap album every day for the rest of my life than hear Boulevard of Broken Dreams one more time. Modern-day punk had it's hayday, and that day was 1994. Would it kill them to listen to some fuckin Foghat?

Surprisingly, rap music isn't as popular as you would think, except for the Mexicans "rawking out" in their low-riders.

One thing the west coast has taught me, aside from "music is good because it's popular", is why reality TV is still thriving. Everyone watches every reality show, no matter what it is. If there was a reality show about Canadian dirt farmers being made to live in the "big city" as Wall Street investment bankers, while the bankers took over the family dirt farm and their wives switched places with devil-worshipping whore priestesses from Argentina, these clowns would watch with peeled eyes, and Nielsen would roll over in his grave.

One of the only positives about being out here is the weather. I am told by the poor bitches stuck in the midwest that up until recently, wind chill was in the negatives, and highs were in the twenties. The other night here, it got down to 56 degrees, and I had to put on a long sleeve tshirt. Also, yesterday there were a few clouds in the sky and the sun was blocked for a couple minutes.

The other positive about being at USC is obvious, the slutty scenery. It's January, and I'm seeing bikinis and short skirts like I have never seen in the midwest's best summer. Think of the hottest girl you actually know, not some broad you see on TV. Now, picture a few thousand other girls that look at least as good as she does, and dressed in tighter / shorter / more low-cut clothing, and they're all drunk and horny (no, it's not a pROn site, it's a city). But don't try holding a conversation with any of them, because they are all dumb, whiney, arrogant skanks--which is exactly why I wouldn't feel bad about boning any of them, and then throwing their clothes out of the window.

That's all for now, I'll try to post some kind of restaurant-that's-unique-to-the-LA-area review, so you poor bastards know what you're missing. Word.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

The OC Experiance

So far in my stay in LA, I have deduced a few key things. The first thing is that everybody in this beautiful city is very important, and therefore needs to act as such, dressing up for everyday errands like they were going to an upscale bar, reciting what they heard on some director's commentary, and dropping names as much as possible. All the sluts wear "ug" boots, and if you don't know what they are, consider yourself lucky. The dudes either have an earring in their upper ear or wear a tilted trucker hat.

The second thing is an exception to the first thing. The college kids here, for the most part, are just like the broke-ass raman-eating college kids at your college. They are on a constant search for the cheapest happy-hour, have a pile of dirty clothes / beer cans in their rooms, and can work a Family Guy or Napoleon Dynamite quote into any conversation seamlessly.

The third thing is totally idiotic to me. All the "cool" bars and parties have big lines outside, then when you finally get in, the place is empty. Great, I just waited fourty-five minutes to get into this awesome bar and I'm all alone. Also, I've been told that cops sometimes break up a line because it gets too big, and find a few kegs.

Next, there are lots of homeless people, and they all want to talk to me. The other day, a homeless african-american fellow asked me for money, so I kept walking. He stopped me again, and asked me where I was from, to which I replied St. Louis. He then understood why I didn't give him any money, because according to him, there were no black people in St. Louis, which made me a racist. Obviously, this homeless guy is well traveled enough to think that my cracka-ass had not only never seen a black man before, but had me pegged for a full fledged card-carrying member of the KKK. Why can't I be prejudice against all homeless, regardless of their race or religion?

Finally, if you don't ride a beach cruiser (cheap bike) or a skateboard to class, you must be either talking on your cell, listening to your iPod, or sipping some kind of speciality coffee drink. I've seen all of the above attempted simultaneously, and it just didn't work. If you don't do any of the above, you are open to solicitors that want you to save the ocean, provide tsunami relief, and help cure AIDS all in the same sentence.

I was going to post a list of the Oscar nominees, but I'm lazy so here's a link to that crap.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Horri-Bill Awards: Final Installment

The time we have all waited for is finally here. This final Horri-Bill Award installment will decide the Worst Actor, Actress, and Man and Woman of the Year! Onto the nominees!

Nominees for the Worst Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ashton Kutcher, Matt LeBlanc, and Brandon Fraser.

The aging, 30-year-old Leonardo DiCraprio started his career on Growing Pains. A few years later, he played that stupid guy in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Nothing really worthy of note until Romeo and Juliet. Haven't seen it, don't want to. Then of course, there is the blockbuster movie Titanic, where I wish he would have died within the first ten minutes instead of making me wait all three hours. After a few years of "waiting for the next big script", or as I call it, "continuing to wish you were someone else", Leo somehow lands a pretty big role in Gangs of New York, another three hour plus movie. Decent, but nothing remarkable. People think entirely too much of this guy. He's like Nelly's music. Why's it good? Because it's so good. Why's Leonard good? Because he hasn't done anything totally heinous yet. Plus, his name is Leonardo.

Ashton is borderline worthless. That 70's Show, undoubtedly the best thing he has going, is in it's last season. He has made many movies, but the big screen hasn't been too kind to him. Dude, Where's My Car?, Just Married, and My Boss's Daughter are some his flops. He does, however, have a slight hit, The Butterfly Effect. I was really surprised when I saw it, but it still ended up sucking the big one. The true surprise is, it didn't suck because of Ashton, it was the writing. Regardless, he has yet to do anything that has stood out as decent. Also, it is rumored that he has lied about his age to favor him two years younger.

Matt LeBlanc played the aspiring actor on Friends. The show in it's later years was inrolerable, just the classic formula sitcom. But there was a time when it was (hate to admit it) good. Not decent, good. I haven't seen his new show, Joey, but I also haven't heard anything good about it, even with the incredibly hot Drea de Matteo on the cast. He has done a few movies, also. The two Charlie's Angels, and Lost in Space most notibly. Matt is a shining example of the public being led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Get this though, he made an appearance on Red Show Diaries AFTER he made it big on Friends! For those of you without Showtime, Red Show Diaries is a softcore porn series.

Brandon Fraser's resume reads like the obituaries. First of all, he played the same character in two movies, two very bad Pauly Shore movies: Encino Man, and Son in Law. Wait...there's more. Remember Blast From the Past? How about Monkeybone? I don't, because I have mentally blocked them. He has even played George of the Jungle. The most successful thing he can boast is The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. Bedazzled was good, but I'm the only person in the world that has seen that movie.

All things considered, the winner is clear. Leonardo DiCaprio just won a Globe for his role in The Aviator, and is very likely to get the Oscar as well, which made me want to at least give The Aviator a chance before I shot it down. Heh, play on words. For that reason, I have to give the nod to Matt LeBlanc for Worst Actor! This guy is just now peaking in popularity, and he's almost 40. How much longer can an actor with his own series pretend to be a struggling actor / available bachelor when he's damn near over-the-hill? Onto the next category!

Nominees for the Worst Actress: Angelina Jolie, Queen Latifa, and Sarah Parker (I refuse to use her middle name, like she's that goddamn important).

Angelina Jolie is hot. She's not such a good actress, and I for one am OK with that. She's been mainly in big action movies, but let's be honest, she would be better in the pROn. Gone in 60 Seconds, Tomb Raider and the sequel, and Sky Caption were her only movies of any box office success. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with being a niche actress as long as you realize it and keep to it. She needs to do less movies that don't show off her boobs, and more movies where she gets naked.

Queen Latifah. Where to begin. I really don't think I have to explain too much here, just list a few movies. Bringing Down the House, Scary Movie 3, The Cookout, Taxi, Barbershop 2, and soon to come The Beauty Shop.

Sarah Parker (quickly approaching 40), is most famous for her role in HBO's Sex in the City, and is very annoying. She has been in a couple very crappy movies, such as Mars Attacks! and The First Wives Club. I do find it hilarious that she is working on a movie called Life Without Dick. Anyway, I don't care about Sarah Parker or anything she has ever done. It's about time she gets naked on Sex in the City. What, she's too good to get naked when all the other sluts on the show have? Boooo! Though I've got a feeling that no one would actually want to see her naked.

The Horri-Bill Award for Worst Actress goes to Queen Latifah! Pretty much a brainless pick, just about as brainless as the movies she makes. And yes, I did take Chicago into account when deciding that she is the worst. One good movie does not make up for the rest of her worthless movies.

Due to a lack of nominations for Woman of the Year, the winner by default is Janet Jackson! Her booby popping out at the Superbowl has resulted in censorship overkill in television, movies, and radio. Her tit wasn't even that good looking. Makes you wonder how they are going to top that for this year's half-time-show...I hear Jenna Jameson is going to blow John Madden mid-field, and Pat Summerall will be having a homo 3-way with Brett Favre and Justin Timberlake.

The Nominees for Man of the Year are: Barry Bonds and Michael Moore.

We all know about Barry Bonds and the steroid scandal. His forehead is a the size of a house. That's all.

Michael Moore made a very bad movie called "Fahrenheit 9/11". I don't say it was a bad movie because I am a Bush supporter (I critisize the president regarless of his party affiliation, plus technically I guess I am Democrat), I say it because it was just a bad movie, even for a documentary. It had no flow, and kept jumping around. Read my review for more info.

After much consideration, the winner of the Horri-Bill for Man of the Year is Michael Moore! Basically, it came down to who is the bigger little-whiney-bitch. Bonds has kept his mouth shut about everything, and Moore has gone so far as to plan a sequel to his movie. Mike, you lost, get over it. The guy is 50, and trying to make his mark on the movie industry. Take my advice and download his movie instead of renting or buying it. After all, he urged people that weren't able to see it in the theaters to download it, just so he could get his message out. Also, download lots of Metallica songs just to piss off Lars.

That's all for this year's installment of the Horri-Bill Awards! If during this next year you think of any nominations for the 2006 Horri-Bill Awards, post it in the comments of the latest posting. Keep in mind, the time frame for the next nominations are from Jan. 1 - Dec. 31 2005.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Golden Globe Award Summary

(This award show actually means something, apparently.)

Going into the Globes, there was no real consensus on which actor, actress, movie, or series was going to come out a winner. The Aviator (Martin Scorsese) came into the awards with 6 noms, and Sideways (Alexander Payne) had the most noms of the night with 7. Jamie Foxx had 3 noms, as did Clint Eastwood. Onto the winners!

Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, TV Movie, or Mini-Series: William Shatner - Boston Legal
Best Supporting Actress in a TV Series, TV Movie or Mini-Series: Anjelica Huston - Iron Jawed Angels
Best Actor in a TV Movie or Mini-Series: Geoffrey Rush - Life and Death of Peter Sellers
Best Actress in a TV Movie or Mini-Series: Glen Close - The Lion in Winter
Best Made for TV Movie or Mini-Series: The Life and Death of Peter Sellers
Best TV Series Musical/Comedy: Desperate Housewives
Best TV Series Drama: Nip/Tuck
Best Actor in a TV Series Comedy/Musical: Jason Bateman - Arrested Development
Best Actress in a TV Series Comedy/Musical: Teri Hatcher - Desperate Housewives
Best Actor in a TV Series Drama: Ian McShane - Deadwood
Best Actress in a TV Drama: Mariska Hargitay - Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Best Foreign Language Film: The Sea Inside
Best Screenplay: Alexander Payne & Jim Taylor - Sideways
Best Score in a Movie: Howard Shore - The Aviator
Best Original Song in a Movie: "Old Habits Die Hard" - Mic Jagger - Alfie
Cecil B. DeMille Award - Robin Williams
Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture: Clive Owen - Closer
Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture: Natalie Portman - Closer
Best Actor in a Motion Picture Musical/Comedy: Jamie Foxx - Ray
Best Actress in a Motion Picture Musical/Comedy: Annette Bening - Being Julia
Best Actor in a Motion Picture Drama: Leonardo DiCaprio - The Aviator
Best Actress in a Motion Picture Drama: Hillary Swank - Million Dollar Baby
Best Director in a Movie: Clint Eastwood - Million Dollar Baby
Best Motion Picture Musical/Comedy: Sideways
Best Motion Picture Drama: The Aviator

No real big surprises. I am glad that Ian McShane won Best Actor in a TV Series Drama for his work in HBO's Deadwood. Literally every other winner I haven't seen, be it movie or series. Good things to Jamie Foxx for his acceptance speech, where at the end he tried to say something about his grandma but started crying and couldn't talk. Mozel to Teri Hatcher for still being hot and in the limelight.

I have no idea why the last post has small font, it still looks good to me. If it looks the same for this post, let me know.

That's all, final installment of the Horri-Bills coming soon!

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Horri-Bill Awards Volume 3: Sports

Hello again, my bitches! The categories for this installment of the Horri-Bill Awards will be Worst Wrestling Angle, Worst Wrestler, Worst Athlete, and Worst Sport. I combined a number of categories (Worst Female/Male Athlete and Wrestler) due to lack of nominees. Without any further adieu, I give you the nominees!

Worst Wrestling Angle: Kane as the Lita rapist/husband/father, and Goldberg becoming stoppable. To kick off the Kane/Lita angle, Lita was awarded to Kane for a weekend in a match against Matt Hardy. It was later learned that Kane and Lita had boned, and as a result, you guessed it, the worst possible angle in wrestling developed: the pregnancy angle. After a few months, Gene Snitsky, a new wrestler at the time, made a name for himself by injecting himself in the pregnancy angle. He worked over Lita, resulting in a miscarriage. Sounds totally worthless? Just wait, because the next nominee rivals it step for step.

Goldberg was WCW's biggest draw, and was billed as being undefeated, and unbeatable. At the time, WCW was loosing in the rating wars to WWF. So what does the company do? Take the title off the biggest and most popular wrestler, and give it to a washed up has-been, Hulk Hogan. Hogan was the booker (guy that makes the matches and storylines) in WCW at the time, which explains why it was Hogan that Goldberg dropped the title to. Shortly thereafter, literally everybody had a chance to win the title, including David Arquette. WCW spiraled downward and eventually was bought out by WWF, soon to become WWE.

This is a very tough decision. One angle is partly responsible for the ruin of a company, and the other is a classic well thought out just plain bad storyline. After much thought and consideration, the winner of the Worst Wrestling Angle is The Beatable Goldberg! The fact that it was in part responsible for WCW's destruction has little to do with the reason why I based my decision. The main reason is because it was just a bad decision. If I had any kind of company, why would I demote my star employee? It makes no sense. It would be like if I owned a football team, and I had the best quarterback in the world, then benched him. Then put in David Arquette.

Next Category, The Nominees for Worst Wrestler: JBL, the team of Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty, and Jonathan "The Coach" Coachman. JBL is currently a WWE Champion, and has had the longest title reign since the height of popularity of Hulk Hogan. He's not necessarily a "bad" wrestler, but he never has a "good" match. Why, then has he held the most prestigious title on SmackDown? Your guess is as good as mine.

One thing I am sure of is that Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi have had the same gimmick for the past 7 years. Same wrestling, finishing, and dance moves as well. Also, the same sunglasses. I looked on the SmackDown Superstars page and was unable to find Rikishi, which means he probably doesn't work for the company anymore. I watch SmackDown very sporadically, but the last time I saw it there was fat ass and worm boy doing their thing. Any was you spell it out, these guys suck.

Another guy that sucks is Jonathan Coachman. When he started his WWF career, he was just another announcer The Rock made fun of. Then, he aligned himself with Eric Bischoff and began a feud against Jim Ross, Jerry "The King" Lawler, and Stone Cold. Nowadays, he's basically an announcer that has a feud with the other better announcers and is mad because he doesn't have their job. Most recently, he was duped into wearing a dress for an entire broadcast of RAW. Lame. He's a decent announcer, and should stay behind the mic and out of the ring.

Taking everything into consideration, the undisputed winner of the Worst Wrestler is JBL! Whenever I see this guy come on TV, I don't want to watch to see what he is going to say or what wrestler he will be feuding with next, I want to change the channel. Coach at least has some amusing storylines. Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikiski normally wrestle someone better than they are, so the match ends up not being a total loss. But to see the supposed leader of SmackDown wear a cowboy hat and a belt buckle bigger than the title is truly Horri-Bill!

Finally, Worst Athlete! The nominees are: Kobe Bryant and Barry Bonds. As we all know, Bryant is an accused rapist. Bonds is an accused steroid user in a season where he broke the single season home run record, among other seasons. Bryant is a mediocre player on a shitty team, and Bonds is an above average player on a decent team. This one is going to come down to humorous observations.

During Bryant's trial, he was seen fidgeting, looking at his watch, and A.D.D. like behavior. Why? He was nervous that he was going to miss his playoff games. So after each trial, he flew back to L.A. and played as shitty as he could. If I was on trial for raping a girl, I would be worried about more that a basketball game. Instead, I would be worried about my wife castrating me while I sleep.

Bonds' head looks like the Goodyear blimp. His fan base exists only in San Francisco, and every sports announcer's office. He had a baseball stadium built just to advance his stats. And lets NOT forget about the penile and testicular shrinkage as a result of the 'roids.

I'm not surprising anyone with my choice for the winner here. Winner by a landslide, Barry Bonds! I really don't have to explain why I choose him, it's pretty obvious, but I would like to remind everyone again that steroids can cause an overdose of testosterone, which can result in a shrinking of the penis and testes, and a seriously enlarged cranium.

The last award of the night is for the category of Worst Sport. The nominees are: Golf, WNBA, Cricket, and Hockey. Golf, where the only rules are no Jews and no blacks. I have played this shit before and it's just dumb. And I'm not just saying that because I suck at it. Hockey minus the contact and skill of ice-skating. If there's a sport that you can be totally drunk and still be as good as you are sober, that's not a real sport.

WNBA, the sport where there's a definite lack of dunking, but they make up for it with their good fundamentals. I remember the hype surrounding the WNBA prior to it's launch. It was going to be a defining moment for women's equality in sports. It delivered about as many ratings as Battlestar Galactica Forum.

Cricket is a very misunderstood sport. Not even I understand it, nor will I ever try. But I do know this, cricket sucks and only snaggle-toothed ugly British people would ever watch or play this pussy-ass "sport".

Hockey. I debated on whether this should be included, since it has already been nationally decided that this sport sucks. If anyone really liked hockey, it would still exist. What sucked about hockey when it did exist? The post-season was just as long as the regular season. Other than ice-skating, there was no real athletic ability required. There was no skill to the game, just random skating around and shooting the puck. No plays, just toothless football on ice, without the football.

Once again, this is a very tough choice to make. Each and every sport nominated deserves this award, but only one can claim the coveted Worst Sport. Golf is boring enough to earn this award every year until golf no longer exists, but in order to underscore the worthlessness of the winning sport, the award must go to Hockey! Even though hockey doesn't exist in a professional form in the United States, it eventually will find a way back to the states, mark my words. The only way to kill hockey forever in the states is to not watch it on TV, not watch any show that highlights hockey, and especially not attend any professional hockey events.

One more installment, which will be posted shortly. I will post the winners of the Golden Globes tomorrow, as well.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Horri-Bill Awards Part 2

Here’s the next installment of the First Annual Horri-Bill Awards. Categories are; Worst TV Show, Worst Band, and Worst Song.

There was only one nominee for Worst TV Show, so by default, the winner is The O.C.! I haven’t ever seen this show, but from what I gather from Fox’s Main Page, it is a modern day 90210 set in L.A. Surfing, skating and skateboarding mixed with teenage awkwardness and pre-marital sex. I’ve got an idea Fox, how about another shitty reality show instead? Perhaps a sitcom about an attractive twenty-something female living in New York working at a magazine?

Incidentally, as of Monday I’m going to be in L.A. for the next few months, (USC) so maybe I’ll take up the show and compare it to the real life thing.

I was going to dishonor the Worst Band Award to every Greenday and Blink-182 type band that exists (especially Greenday and Bilnk-182), but that would be too easy. Instead, here are the nominees for Worst Band. Limp Bizkit, the band whose lead singer still hasn’t figured out that chin pubes aren’t cool. And neither is their music. Eminem, the only rapper I am aware of that named himself after a cute, delicious chocolate candy. AKA Marshal Mathers, Eminem relies on his offensive lyrics, rather than the quality of them, to sell records. Seriously, I think I am about as talented of a rapper as Marshal, lyrically and vocally. Moving on, the last nominee is Creed. If Jesus were alive today, he would be Scott Stapp, and he would be secretly converting all his fans to Catholicism via subliminal lyrics. Oh yeah, Creed sounds a lot like Pearl Jam.

All three nominees are the worst in their own special way, but I have to give the Award to Limp Bizkit! Fred Durst is one of the most hated lead-singers of all time in my book. He’s like that guy you know, and everyone knows a guy like this, that owns a video phone, an iPod, that one “clubbin” shirt, and a very loud sound system in his Civic. If you ever call him out on any of these possessions, he will respond “You just don’t get it.” Thank God I don’t.

Lastly, the Nominees for Worst Song. Snoop Dogg – Drop It Like It’s Hot, and Eminem – Just Loose It. Seeing as how Snoop has some really great songs, I’ll allow him this one. Therefore, the award goes to Eminem for Just Loose It! I would say that the song is about Marshal’s talent, but he never had any.

Two more installations to go!

Monday, January 03, 2005

Horri-Bill Awards, Finally!

Holy crap, the holiday season is finally over and I am glad. To start off the New Year, here's the first few Horri-Bill Winners/Losers!

Nominees for the Worst Horror Movie: Exorcist: The Beginning, House of 1000 Corpses, Thirte3n Ghosts. Each of these movies in its own right deserves the award. Though I didn't see The New Exorcist, there is with no exception a good horror movie that is based off a classic horror movie. House of 1k Corpses, directed by Rob Zombie had no flow or reason. It was like watching a big budget movie made by a five-year-old. Thirte3n Ghosts had the genius concept that in order to see these ghosts you had to wear some special 3-D X-ray Oakley sun glasses. Then they killed you anyway.

After much consideration, I have decided that the winner that stood head-and-shoulders above the rest is Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses! The thirty second execution scene is enough to drive a normal person retarded, and a retarded person normal. With the sequel The Devil's Rejects in production, expect this monstrosity out early next year, or if the editing budget gets cut then late next week.

Onto the next award, the Nominees for Worst Movie are: Lost in Translation, The Day After Tomorrow, and Club Dread. Lost in Translation didn't make any sense to me or too many other people. And I really don’t understand why Bill Murray was even nominated for an Oscar for playing himself in a crap movie. That's not acting, that just getting paid. The Day After Tomorrow was too unbelievable to be even be decent. C’mon, New York turns into Antarctica in meer days? Yawn…how about turning France into a Pirate Theme Park? Now that I’d watch! Finally, Club Dread, the follow-up to the hilarious Super Troopers. Sucked, so bad. Not funny, though there were some tits.

Taking all things into account, there is only one clear choice for Worst Movie. Lost in Translation was oh so bad, and the fact that it was so successful makes it worse. There’s nothing more Horri-Bill than a movie that everyone loves that is just shitty. Congrats, daddy’s little girl, you may have fooled everyone else to think your movie is Oscar-worthy, but you didn’t fool me.

The last award for today will be for the category of Worst Web-Site. And the nominees are: and Foz’s Gay Palace (sorry Foz).

Hands down, the winner is clearly Foz’s Gay Palace! Foz, you’re a good man and I like you as much as a heterosexual male can like another, but your site is just bad. Nothing personal, and no homo for that entire last paragraph.

More awards will be given out later this week, check back, word.