Saturday, August 13, 2005

Horri-Bill Awards: Round 3 - Worst Man and Woman

Tom Cruise: See previous post. Still on the kill list.

Mike Jackson: A child-molester, a Catholic Priest, and Mike Jackson walk into a bar…six months ago this would have been just another line in Leno’s shitty monologue, but now it’s front-page news. What’s even more amazing is people are shocked that Mike is getting sued for playin with boy’s asses. He has been doing this since the 80’s, people! Am I the only one that remembers all the out-of-court settlements and law suites this guy has been through? It was all over the news back then, and nothing has changed. Mike, take a cold shower and some zanex and quit raping cute 12 year old boys!

Winner…even though there’s no real winner here, because the two nominees are most likely certifiablely insane, the more ridiculous of the two is by a nose (job) Mike Jackson! Twenty years of raping ten year olds beats out publicly announcing your faith in a silly Godless religion, in my opinion.


Oprah: Rumored to have thrown a big bitch-fit when she tried to get into a jewelry store after hours and they wouldn’t let her in, because they were closed. Confirmed to have sent her personal assistant while she was on jury duty to get her a special veggie burger instead of the crappy cafeteria food everyone else had to eat. The so-called Queen of all Media, not censored by the FCC because she’s “sacred”. Fat, skinny, in-between, always a bitch.

Katie Holmes: See previous post. And I’d still do her.

Winner is: Oprah! Yeah, she’s the queen, but she’s the queen of things that don’t matter and aren’t entertaining. She should crawl under a rock, die, or go bankrupt. And no, I wouldn’t do her, under any circumstances. I WOULD marry her, but only for a few minutes so I could divorce her and make an easy million dollars from the settlement.

Only a couple more rounds left; Sports, TV, and a special Honorary HB award will be given. Check back soon!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Horri-Bill Awards: Round 2 - Worst Movie

The Pacifier: Vin Diesel is a rogue FBI agent that plays by no one’s rules, except his own. After botching a very important assignment involving Osama Bin Laden, the Queen of England, and ninety kilos of pure, undetectable cocaine, he is reassigned to baby-sit some ratty screaming kids. This movie is about on the same level as that made up sitcom from Seinfeld, where Jerry gets rear-ended by some guy without insurance, so the judge sentences the guy to be Jerry’s butler (Vin would play the butler.) And remember, this loose cannon plays by no one’s rules. Not even his own.

Electra: Taking place before the popular and Horri-Bill worthy Daredevil, this movie stars the beautiful Jennifer Garner. The once assassin turned softie finds herself smack dab in the middle of a moral dilemma; kill the people she was hired to kill, or protect them and be killed herself by wizards from the future and robotic ghosts. Electra is hunted by a guy can make tattoos jump off his body and take form of animals, such as snakes and tigers. If I had that badass power, I would make an alpaca, or even one of these jump out of my skin.

Hitch: Will Smith leads in this, the fifth highest grossing movie of the year (vomit). Also starring in this monstrosity is Kevin James (The King of Queens) and Eva Mendes (extremely hot). Smith plays a gay matchmaker, teaching James the ropes of dating, dancing, and other social necessities. It might as well have been called “Queer; The Movie” or “Lets Gag America”.

The Winner is: Hitch! Something that is so bad that made so much money deserves to be singled out as by far the worst movie thus far in 2005. Please, don’t ever buy, rent, even download this movie. You’d just be wasting valuable bandwidth that could be used for pron viewing.