Monday, December 20, 2004

Horri-Bill Nominees

This prestigious award commemorates the absolute worst of the past few years. Here are the nominees I and others have come up with. If you have any other final nominations, post them here. The first installment of losers will be announced shortly.

Sport – Hockey, WNBA, Golf, Cricket
Male Athlete – Barry Bonds, Ron Artest, Kobe Bryant
Female Athlete – Marion Jones
Band/Artist – Limp Bizkit, Eminem, NB Riders (latino rap), Creed, Hoobastank
Song – Eminem “Just Loose It”
TV Show – The O.C.
Movie – Lost in Translation, The Day After Tomorrow, Club Dread
Horror Movie – House of 1000 Corpses, Exorcist: The Beginning, Thirt3en Ghosts
Male Wrestler – John Bradshaw Layfield, Jeff Hardy, HHH, the team of Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi
Female Wrestler – Gail Kim
Wrestling Gimmick – the “unstoppable” Goldberg, Kane as “The Lita rapist/husband”
Male Actor – Ashton Kutcher, Leonardo DeCaprio
Female Actor – Angelina Jolie
Woman of the Year
Man of the Year – Barry Bonds, Michael Moore

Friday, December 17, 2004

Sprint and Nextel to Merge

The rumors have been circulating for quite some time, but earlier this week Sprint. officially announced the merger with Nextel. This won’t be a takeover by either company to acquire the other, but an equal merger.

The new company, known as Sprint Nextel, will have about $40 billion in revenue combined, and serve more than 35 million subscribers. This would make the new company the third largest cellular provider in the United States, behind Verizon and Cingular.

What do both sides have to gain from this deal? Sprint would benefit from Nextel’s large business customer base. Nextel would benefit from Sprint’s new CDMA.-2000 platform upgrade. The upgrade would be very expensive, but not nearly as expensive as it would be if the merger never happened. Sprint will be there to burden some of the costs, plus Nextel could use some of Sprint’s facilities to ease the transition.

I have been partial to Sprint for a few years, and didn’t really like Nextel. But there’s no denying that Nextel is a great company. Out of all the cell phone companies they have the highest customer satisfaction rating and the lowest turnover rate. The one problem I have against Nextel is that their phones are still relatively big and are just now utilizing color screens. Their phone selection has been poor, but all that could change with the new company.

The merger won’t be final for quite some time. It took Cingular and AT&T a year to merge, but Sprint and Nextel have a major upgrade to work out. I predict that the merger will take two years. Both Sprint and Nextel know that this is a big opportunity, and they don’t want to fuck it up by rushing things.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

First Annual Horri-Bill Awards!

Fitz had a good point. The Horri-Bill Awards must come to fruition, and must happen soon. However, the Horri-Bill Awards is something that can't be churned out in a couple days, or even weeks.

I'll publish the First Annual Horri-Bill Awards soon enough, dishonoring the past few years of music, movies, and other such deserving categories.

If you have any suggestions for categories or nominations for the Horri-Bill Awards, post them here or email I will accept nominations for each category, but I choose the winners.

Current categories are: Worst Horror Movie, Worst Movie, Worst TV Show, Worst Sitcom, Worst Band/Artist, Worst Song, Worst Video Game, Worst Sport, Worst Male and Female Pro Wrestler, Worst Wrestling Gimmick, Worst Male and Female Athlete (not necessarily Most Non-Athletic Athlete), Worst Male and Female Actor, and Woman and Man of the Year.

Nominations for this Horri-Bill Awards have no restriction on time-frame, but future awards will run from December thru November of the following year. Get creative, and if you want your nominations to be taken seriously, provide a few reasons why your nominee should win, or loose. After all, winners of the Horri-Bill Award aren't winners at all. Even the nominees are losers.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Latest on HD vs. Blu-Ray

Sony now has the backing of Disney, and will possibly start releasing movies on Blu-Ray format as soon as early 2006. However, Disney is pretty much saying that if HD (developed by Toshiba) turns out to the dominant technology then they reserve the right to release their movies on HD format.

So what Disney is telling Sony is that Disney is going with the winner of the format wars.

Sony still has a long way to go in order to make their Blu-Ray the dominant technology, but they are well on their way to winning the battle. Sony now has the backing of Disney and MGM, and is counting on 20th Century Fox to join the team. This would give Sony the backing of studios that combined account for 47% of the DVD sales in America, edging ahead of Toshiba with New Line Cinema and Time Warner (father company of New Line Cinema and Warner Bros.), Paramount, and Universal which account for 45% of DVD sales.

In my view, this would not be nearly enough to beat out Toshiba. Since the transitional costs of switching to HD discs would be much less than switching to Blu-Ray discs, Toshiba would still have the ultimate advantage; a larger profit margin for disc manufacturers (here’s a good article going really in depth).

Things are bound to change a million times between now and next December, when both technologies are set to hit the market, and I’ll keep you informed of every major development.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Billboard Winners

(not that it actually means anything)

Rap Artist of the Year - Kanye West
Digital Artist of the Year (Most Legally Downloaded) – Maroon 5
New Female Artist of the Year – Ashlee Simpson
Female Artist of the Year – Alicia Keys
Artist Achievement Award – Destiny’s Child
Ringtone of the Year – 50 cent – In Da Club
Biggest Selling R&B Single of the Year – Fantasia
Female Country Artist of the Year – Gretchen Wilson
Group Artist of the Year – Outkast
Century Award – Stevie Wonder
Artist of the Year – Usher (won 11 awards)

Why is it that all award shows are horrible? Take the “board” out of the Billboard awards, and you have the best award show ever, the Bill Awards. This fictional annual award show would be an all encompassing award show, giving OTYs for music, movies, sports, TV, and general celebrity honors. Also, Bam Margera and Paris Hilton would be the hosts, and Bam would probably end up boning her.

There would also be the Horri-Bill Awards, dishonoring the worst of the year, such as Julia Roberts, Nelly, Barry Bonds, Hugh Grant, hockey, Paris Hilton, the Detroit Tigers, any band that has gotten popular since 2002, and Oprah (among many others). Basically, it would be the Billboard Awards.

For a full list of Billboard Winners, click here.

Musicians Say P2P File Sharing Doesn’t Hurt Them!

According to a recent article on, many musicians don’t think that popular file-sharing programs, such as Kazaa, Morpheus, and Napster (RIP) have influenced the business negatively. They actually believe that the presence of music on the internet has helped them make more money!

Here are some stats from the study, conducted by the not-for-profit companies Pew Internet and American Life Project on 809 musicians:

47% of the artists surveyed said file sharing prevented them from earning royalties on their songs.
43% of the artists surveyed said file sharing helped promote and distribute their material.
66% said that file sharing was a very little threat to them.
30% said that file sharing was a major threat.

In the past few years, bands, record labels, and the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) have sued thousands of their own fans and customers for downloading songs of their favorite artists (the whole thing started with Metallica pussy Lars Ulrich). This has prompted new, innovative ways for the artists to re-coup their losses and retain their paying customers, such as including bonus DVDs with their music CDs, and making pay-per-download sites available.

One of the most famous pay-per-download sites is iTunes by Apple. On July 11th of 2004, iTunes had its 100 millionth download, so there is definitely a big market for non-retail music purchasing

This leads me to raise the following question: with the online music business becoming so established, why would there be a need to go to some retail store and buy a CD when you could buy it without leaving your house? Just a few clicks and its downloaded, burned to a CD, and backed up on your hard drive. Want the actual artwork? You can use printable CD labels, or even better, printable CDs.

Or, of course, you could continue to download “illegally” like so many others currently are. I am not an advocate of illegally doing anything (no homo), but given the quality of the music (or lack thereof) currently being released; I wouldn’t blame anybody for downloading a song occasionally.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Van Helsing: Reviewed

When this movie came out in the theater, I had no desire to see it. I heard all the hype about how it was going to be great because it had hot vampire bitches, werewolves, Dr. Jekel / Mr. Hyde, Dracula, and Frankenstein’s Creation. For the same reasons, I decided that cramming all that into one movie could turn into a major suck-fest.

A bit of background information first. The character known as Val Helsing has been in around 160 movies, mainly hunting Dracula. In this movie, he is a vigilante for the Knights of the Holy Order (soldiers of God). So, he tracks down abominations of God and either brings them back to the Knight’s HQ so they can deal with them, or he kills them.

Maybe it was because of my low expectations for the movie, but I was very pleasantly surprised. Within the first half hour or so, I was hooked and I never lost interest. And I’m not saying the first half hour was boring, it just took a while for the actual plot to get going. Any good movie takes around a half hour to introduce the characters and general tone of the movie.

Speaking of the plot, it was a bit confusing at times, taking leaps instead of slowly developing the story. One thing I found great about the movie is that the fight scenes didn’t seem to interfere with the story development; unlike in some other movies where there are fight scenes just to take up time.

Hugh Jackman is amazing as Van Helsing. He has starred in “X-Men”, “X2”, “Swordfish”, and is currently working on “X-Men 3”. Acting opposite Jackman is Kate Beckinsale, also a Dracula hunter. She starred in “Underworld” and “Pearl Harbor” and is currently working on the sequel to “Underworld”. She’s also insanely hot.

Van Helsing and his cowardly sidekick, a friar (junior monk) from the Knights, are sent to hunt down Dracula. This proves to be no easy task, and Val Helsing finds that there is much more to this assignment than he or the Knights could have ever guessed.

A prequel to the movie is a short thirty minute cartoon called “Val Helsing: The London Assignment”. Val Helsing is sent to London to apprehend Dr. Jekel / Mr. Hyde. Nothing much really happens, but it is decent and a good introduction to the Van Helsing character.

There are a couple plot holes in Van Helsing, but suspension of disbelief reigns over them. If you have a few hours to spare, definitely check out this movie. Effects, acting, cinematography, all are superb.

3.75 / 5 Stars!

Monday, November 29, 2004


Toshiba said Monday, November 29th that it had gained backing from Paramount (owned by Viacom), Universal (owned by General Electric), New Line Cinema and Warner Brothers (both owned by Time Warner). These four studios account for 45% of the country’s prepackaged DVD sales. This gives Toshiba’s HD technology a great edge over Sony’s Blu-Ray technology.

Those studios are expected to begin releasing movies on HD format discs the last quarter of 2005, just in time for the holidays.

The reason for the battle over the next media format is simple; whichever format wins the battle also wins billions of dollars in licensing revenue. For example, if Toshiba does in fact beat out Sony, every HD player manufacturer will pay a royalty fee to Toshiba. The DVD player and recorder market is a $10 billion a year business. (The PC drive business matches this.)

Another reason for studios to jump on the HD bandwagon is the low transitional cost involved. HD discs have a very similar physical structure to DVD discs. The upside to Blu-Ray is that it can hold 25GB instead of HD’s 20GB. Also, Blu-Ray also promises higher capacities in the future, which would give its technology a longer shelf life.

The battle for format supremacy is far from over. Sony still has a year to gain support and make Toshiba’s HD format look like crap.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Blu-Ray vs. HD DVD: DVD's Successor

One of these new technologies will be the replacement for the DVD disc, which will be a battle the likes of which has not seen since Beta vs. VHS.

Both are based on the same basic technology; they replace the red lasers currently in DVD burners with blue lasers, which use a shorter wavelength to store information, allowing more data to be stored on a normal disc. While a standard CD will be able to hold about 1.4GB with this new technology, there are discs being developed that will hold 30GB for a dual-layer HD disc. Sony claims that their format could eventually hold as much as 200GB (eight-layer disc)!

This technology would allow almost an entire season of your favorite TV show to be on one DVD disc (analog format). In High-Def format, a standard Blu or HD disc can hold about 27GB, or two hours of High-Def video. High-Def’s picture and sound quality is five to seven times greater than normal analog quality, requiring much more storage.

Here are the positives and negatives of each.

-Backed by Sony, HP, Panasonic’s parent company Marsushita (developers of VHS), and Dell.
-HP and Dell control approximately 30% of the world’s computer sales.
-Sony can use next generation Playstation at a launching platform of their Blu-Ray campaign. (Sony officially announced Bly-Ray as the official media type for P3, due to release in 2006.)
-Sony led consortium recently acquired MGM, along with their back-catalogue of movies.
-Endorsed by weblog Gizmodo.

-Developed by Toshiba and backed by Sanyo and NEC.
-Supported by Time Warner, and gaining support from Paramount, Disney, and Universal.
-Endorsed by the DVD forum, which only endorses one format.
-Claims low transitional costs between current DVD and HD formats.

Blu-Ray recorders are already on sale in Japan, but Toshiba looks to launch their HD DVD recorders (in Japan) in early ’05, and laptops with HD drives in the last quarter of ’05. Expect to see DVD players for the new standard hit the market in time for next Christmas. By that time, the standard should be set, either Blu or HD format. Basically, it boils down to which format has the wider selection of movies available. This is a contest Sony has lost before (Beta).

Don’t worry though, the new HD and Blu players will be reverse-compatible with DVDs so you won’t have to replace your movie library just yet.

The Chronicles of Riddick: Review

This movie would be awesome if it didn’t suck so badly. Everything but the writing was horrible. Cinematography was confusing, the story wasn’t interesting, and the DVD production was laughable.

I have no idea why, but the director, David Twohy, thought it was a good idea to insert deleted scenes that didn’t make the final cut, and mark them by “jumping” the footage. This idea is almost as bad as the concept of “InfiniFilm”, which I’ll later explain. He even admits that this can be confusing in a “Special Introduction” to the movie.

Not only are there confusing jumps in the movie to let us know when there is a deleted scene coming up, but there are even more deleted scenes in the bonus features! These scenes are actually pretty funny, due to them not being finished. In many of them, the green screen wasn’t cut out fully, or even at all. Sometimes there are one or two second clips of CG animatics which were never finished.

Adding to the film’s worthlessness is the idea that it takes place five years after “Pitch Black”, and the girl in PB named Jack (then twelve) is now named Kira, and now looks like a 23 year old. Huh?

I seriously want to listen to the Director’s Commentary, just so I can try to understand how this guy David Twohy thought he was making a good movie. That way, if I ever make a movie I’ll do the exact opposite of what he did.

I hate the fact that I had to spend Thanksgiving with my drunk family, my drunk aunt asking one of my cousins when’s the last time she had sex with one of my other cousins. I hate even more the fact that I have to wake my lazy ass up at 4:00AM tomorrow to cater to angry day-after-Thanksgiving-deal shoppers. What I hate the most is that I spent two hours watching this crap-fest. By the way, my family really doesn’t fuck each other, but when you get Aunt Terrie drunk just watch out because she’s worse than Martin Lawrence on a bender.

Back to the InfiniFilm. InfiniFilm is a DVD production company. IF has an option that allows you to access DVD extras while the movie is playing via selecting a pop-up prompt. The reason that IF is so bad is because if you haven’t seen a movie, you want to watch it straight through without any deleted scenes, interviews, or behind-the-scenes foorage first.

IF claims on their website that you can access the Special Features from the main menu as well, though I know there are a few IF DVDs I have seen where I had to actually watch the movie in order to access the extras. So I have to ask, what’s the point of viewing the extras while you are watching the movie if you can view them from the Bonus Features Menu?

In summation, InfiniFilm is horrible. The Chronicles of Riddick is horrible. If this DVD were authored by InfiniFilm…wow. Just wow.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Old TV Shows: Final Installment

16. Roseanne

I only remember a few things about this show. One: On Halloween the show was interrupted during the climax, when Dan (the husband) was hit right in the nose and it was bleeding out of control at the diner where Roseanne worked for that gay guy. The series finale, Roseanne pretended like the past two seasons were all pretend and played like John was a figment of her imagination ever since he died of a heart attack two years ago. When she won the lottery, it was a defense mechanism to make her feel less like a white trash cunt. Three stars.

17. Mad About You

Like Seinfeld, only not funny. Paul Reiser sucks. Helen Hunt is hot. Negative eleventy-billion stars.

18. Hey, Dude

Easily one of the top shows Nick has ever put out. Teenagers working on a desert horse ranch, to make middle aged, middle class people feel more like cowboys, but we all really know they are all still doochbags. Uncle Ben (the owner of the ranch) made an appearance in Forrest Gump as the reporter during the protest at the college when the blackies finally get admitted to a whitey school. And “Melody” is now Ben Stiller’s wife. Five stars. Put this shit on DVD like now! Five stars!

19. Home Improvement

Tim “The Toolman” Taylor. What a fitting name. He wasn’t funny at all. But, his TV wife was kinda hot. His movies suck, especially his X-Mas movies, which are his only movies. Anyway, he’s not funny. Al Bohrlan was much funnier than Tim was, and he sucks as the current host of Family Fued. No Stars.

20. Married…With Children

Eureka. The perfect show for anyone! (It lasted 10 years!)
Al was the truest definition of a man’s man. Peg said what ever woman was thinking. Plus, Peg (Katey Sagal) later was a voice on Futurama, and was the fiancé of an alien named Al who was a womanizer and Morman and shapeshifter. By the way, Bender’s the greatest! Bud was every horny teenage guy’s idol. Trying to fuck his older sister’s friends, yet never succeeding. Kelly Bundy, (aka Christina Applegate) was the older sister with hot yet prude slutty friends. Short of The Sopranos, I can’t think of a more perfect show. Infinity plus one stars!

Friday, November 19, 2004

WWE: The Undertaker

In cleaning my room this past weekend, I discovered several Undertaker comic books, and also many old autographed baseballs and sports memorabilia. The old sports crap didn’t really do anything for me, but the UT comics got me to thinking about how great of a wrestler the Undertaker really is.
The Undertaker debuted in the WWF at the Survivor Series pay per view in 1990 under the Million Dollar Man. This year’s Survivor Series pay per view was this past Sunday, so he will was in the company for approximately 14 years. He has spent very little time off for injuries, but he is getting more and more injury prone in his aging state.
The Undertaker has wrestled and beaten all of the top names in the business, such as Hulk Hogan, Bret “The Hitman” Hart, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, Shawn Michaels, The Rock, Vader, and of course, Kane (his half brother in the storylines).
Lately, the Taker has been more of a backstage icon than been a main event draw. He can still hold a classic match against any wrestler in my opinion. He only appears to hype his pay per view appearances, but that is OK with me since the RAW (Monday night wrestling) top guys mainly wrestle on PPVs.
The only problem with the Taker is he is getting too stale. He is falling into the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) formula, which is a spot fest instead of a real good old match. He plans his matches like Bret Hart instead of Shawn Michaels. “Old School” clothesline, chokeslam, piledriver, and beat his opponent with his own move.
My solution: place the Undertaker (aka Mark Calloway) in a cryogenic state until they find a cure or treatment for wrestlers getting old.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

In case you've led a sheltered electronic existance, let Me tell you about a website called Homestar Runner. Homestar Runner is a great athlete. His arch nemesis, Strong Bad, is hilarious and the real reason why everyone goes to the site. Each week, Strong Bad answers a real fan's email. Link to the latest Strong Bad Email.
If you're new to the site, click on the First Time Here button on the main page. It's a great flash site, and normally updated weekly.
Also, final installment of the Old TV Shows reviewed coming very soon!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Old TV Shows Reviewed Part 3

11. American Gladiators
Much like professional wrestling, only with normal people put up against real athletes with real gay sounding names, such as “Zap”, “Viper”, “Gemini”, and Blaze” along with future pro wrestler names, such as “Diesel”, “Sunny”, “Thunder” and “Nitro”. Different events were Power Ball, Assault, The Wall, Hang Tough, and of course, the Eliminator. My favorite event however was The Rings. Sometimes the person would eliminate themselves without a gladiator even touching them, and sometimes the gladiator would be taken out of action without the contestant doing anything. It had nothing to do with athleticism most of the time, just luck and timing. Five Stars.

12. My Two Dads

This crap show only lasted three years. It starred Staci Keanan as the daughter, and yes, she had two fathers, played by Paul Reiser and Greg Evigan. Her mother had relations with both the fathers, gave birth, and died. At the custody hearing (pre-DNA testing) the judge ordered joint-custody of the girl to both potential dads. Nothing made this show stand out from any other sitcom of its day. Two stars.

13. The Cosby Show
Bill Cosby is a funny motherfucker. However, I didn’t like his show. It wasn’t a standard show. The plot wasn’t revealed until the show was almost over, or the problem was resolved five minutes into the show. The rest of the time was for Cosby to make cute little jokes for families all over America to chuckle at and fell cultured because they were watching a show starring a black guy. Zero Stars.

14. Growing Pains
Normal family dealing with everyday problems. Cast included Kirk Cameron, Tracey Gold, and even Leo DeCraprio. Same old sitcom; parents raising troubled teens and young children. As I remember though, this was pretty a pretty funny sitcom. It must have been the Jewish writers. Three Stars.

15. Quantum Leap
Very innovative sci-fi show. Dr. Sam Beckett, played by Scott Bakula, is a scientist who perfected time travel within his own lifetime. His “string theory” is simple; your life is like a string, a beginning and end. But if you balled it up one point of your life would touch another and you could easily travel through time. His friend and co-worker on the project Al, played by Dean Stockwell, traveled with him as a hologram which only Sam could hear and see. Sam would “leap” into different people’s bodies during an important time in their lives, such as an undercover cop, blind piano player, Elvis, a private investigator, women, black men, and Sam himself when he was a teenager. Five stars, seriously.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Old TV Shows Reviewed: 2 of 4

6. Full House
No matter what anyone says now, back in the day “Full House” was the shit. Bob Saget was the voice of reason. John Stamos was the ridiculously good looking Zoolander-type. Dave Coulier was the stupid magician who would have been better utilized working kid’s birthday parties in a clown outfit. Plus, it was the platform that the Olsen Twins leapt from to claim their present celebrity hotness. Four stars out of Five.

7. Fresh Prince of Bel Air
The definition of a situational comedy: black teen from poor neighborhood goes to live with his rich aunt and uncle. This series really propelled Will Smith into superstardom, but the real gem of the series was Alfonso Ribeiro (aka Carlton). Also, DJ Jazzy Jeff made guest appearances. Though this series is very dated, it’s still amusing to watch in an age of reality shows mixed with game shows mixed with B-list celebrities doing things they wouldn’t normally do. You know what I want to see on TV? How about giving Christopher Walken his own show? Maybe let Jack Black do a late night talk-show with his partner from Tenacious D, Kyle Gass. Anyway, Three stars out of Five.

8. MacGyver
Best show ever. Richard Dean Anderson is pure genius, playing a secret agent for a consultant firm that works exclusively for the government, called the Phoenix Foundation. MacGyver’s work takes him all over the world, saving us from countless terrorist attacks and saving friends from certain danger, all the while without ever firing a gun. Instead, he used his infinite scientific and logistical knowledge to get out of impossible situations. Also, not too many people know that MacGyver’s first name was Angus. Twelve stars!

9. Murder She Wrote
Stupid show. Angela Landsbury is a worthless old bag o’ crap. The surprise endings to the episodes were ridiculous. Once, I actually predicted the outcome of an episode. The character that was the killer was only on screen for thirty seconds. I’m not going to waste any more precious space on this, Negative seventeen stars.

10. Alf
The original sitcom, not the new talk show which I haven’t seen but assume is gay (no homo). Alf was an alien being that crash landed to earth, standing at about three feet tall with brown hair covering his entire body (just picture the love child of a dog and raccoon). He liked eating live cats, but I don’t recall him every indulging his appetite for the show’s entire four year life. In the final episode, the US government actually captures Alf, and nothing is resolved in the entire series. Three stars out of Five.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Reviewed 80's and 90's TV Shows: 1 of 4

As anyone that regularly watched TV in the eighties and early nineties knows, the shows of that era were awesome. To watch them now is a form of torture that would make even Jack Bauer spill all his secrets to the commies. Therefore, I feel compelled to review the top twenty shows of the 80’s and early 90’s.

1. Step by Step
One of many TGIF shows on my Top 20 TV shows of the eighties and early nineties. A modern day “Brady Bunch”, “Step by Step” was about a father (Patrick Duffy) and his children living with his new wife (Suzanne Somers) and her children from another marriage. The hook of the show is that the kids hate each other. It sounds dumb, but the show lasted for seven years, so obviously there were some idiots stupid enough to watch it. I was one of them. Three start out of Five.

2. Parker Lewis Can’t Loose
I don’t know what network this show originated from, but I remember it being played on USA. This is basically a TV version of “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”. Parker Lewis and his best friends were always getting into trouble from Parker’s younger sister, the principal, and Parker’s parents. I specifically remember an episode with a direct reference to Ferris Bueller and Cameron, their silhouettes talking in the back of a dark auditorium and discussing how much of a rip off the show was of the movie. Two stars out of five.

3. Family Matters
Whether you like to admit it or not, Urkel was the funniest shit at the time. Another TGIF show, “Family Matters” tackled the issues that teens were facing every day, like drugs, pre-marital sex, gang affiliation, and killing old ladies. I’m talking about the stupid grandma on that show. She wasn’t funny and should have been killed off in the first episode. That aside, the show was awesome. Four stars out of Five.

4. Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper
I remember this as a really edgy show (also a TGIF show). It was the first black comedy a lot of sheltered, naïve white kids, like me, were exposed to. It taught me all about the African-American sub-culture of washed up basketball players. Also, Holly Robinson as Vanessa Russell was really hot, and I was ten. Three words: confused and aroused. One star out of Five.

5. Salute Your Shorts
By far, the best show Nickelodeon had for the time. This show was about kids attending a summer camp, so they had every stereotype there was for a kid. The nerd, the bully, the fat kid, the athlete, the prissy rich slut, and the asshole counselor. The kids mainly try to pull as much shenanigans against the counselor as possible (his name is “Ug” Lee). Five stars out of Five.

New Updates Coming Soon!

Sorry to the four people that actually check my site. I have been kinda busy the past week. Since then, the Red Sox won the world series, President Bush retained his presidency, and I have driven ten hours in one day. Hopefully I'll have some real content later today.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Tip for Sprint Customers

Most everybody has a cell phone, and if you're doing business with Sprint PCS here's a tip that could save you up to $10 a month.

Dial *2 to connect to Customer Solutions. Press 1 for English. You'll get "Claire" the virtual service rep. Say the words "Dropped Call Credit". This will give you a credit of one minute at the highest local airtime rate (50 cents). You can do this up to twenty times a month, for a total of a $10 credit off your bill.

I would say that you shouldn't abuse this, but Sprint pretty much makes that impossible. I can honestly say that I get at least 20 dropped calls a month, and if Sprint offers this credit I'm going to take advantage of it, and make sure others know about it. If you know someone that has Sprint, tell them about the dropped call credit.

I am very satisfied with Sprint; I have been with them for five plus years. I only wish they would be more cutting edge. If there was a PDA/Cell phone/Camera all in one that Sprint got behind, I would definately buy it.

Friday, October 22, 2004

What Ever happened to These Hot Former Celebrities:

Teri Hatcher: This chick was famous most notably for her role in “Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman”. Before she landed that role, she cameoed in such hit TV series’ as “MacGyver”, “Seinfeld” (“They’re real, and they’re fantastic!”), “Tales from the Crypt”, “Quantum Leap”, “Night Court”, and “Frasier”.

But what has Teri done lately, besides a few commercials for cell phone companies opposite Howie Long? In 2001 the middle aged actress was in “Spy Kids”, and hasn’t done anything worthy of talking about until the crappy TV series “Desperate Housewives”, currently running on ABC Sundays at 9/8c.

Tea Leoni: I can’t think of a single female that made me more aroused when I was 13 than Tea Leoni. She had a couple chances to make a successful sitcom, first with “The Naked Truth” in 1995, then again when the show was resurrected but failed miserably. She has been in “Jurassic Park III”, “A League of Their Own”, and “Deep Impact”, but her biggest big screen appearance was her role as Julie Mott in “Bad Boys”.

Since then, Tea has done nothing of any importance. She has two movies in the works, “Spanglish”, and “Fun with Dick and Jane”. My advise to Tea; do as many movies while you still can, appear in Playboy (or Penthouse if they won’t take you) and whore yourself out to anyone that’ll bone you.

Larisa Oleynik: I don’t know why I had an infatuation with hot girls that were in Nickelodeon TV series’. Larisa starred in Nick’s “The Secret World of Alex Mack” as Alex Mack. One day walking home from school, some chemical truck crashed into her and gave her the super-human power of turning into water. Sounds gay, but I was 15 and had no life, so I watched every episode. She was also in “Boy Meets World” for a few episodes.

Larisa hasn’t done much of anything since then. She starred in “The Baby-Sitters Club”, was in “10 Things I Hate About You”, and had a stint on “3rd Rock from the Sun” as Alissa Strudwick, the girlfriend of Tommy Solomon. Here’s some advice for Larisa; try out for nudie magazines, then do porn.

Melissa Joan Hart: Another Nickelodeon alumni, Melissa Joan Hart is one of those Hollywood actresses that goes by her first, middle, and last name. Total mystery to me. Anyway, Melissa’s hit show on Nick was “Clarissa Explains It All”. Shortly after, she starred in a show on TGIF called “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”. In this show, Melissa was a teenager coping with her newfound witch abilities, and who is being raised by two lesbian witches. The hit series prompted several spinoffs, such as “Sabrina The Teenage Witch: Spellbound“(cartoon), “Sabrina Goes To Rome”, “Sabrina The Animated Series”, and “Sabrina Down Under”.

Other more recent projects that are non-Sabrina related are “Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker”, “The Voyage to Atlantis: The Lost Empire” as the host, “Not Another Teen Movie” as herself, “Child Star: The Shirley Temple Story” as the executive producer, and “Celebrity Blackjack” as herself.

I remember watching some made for TV movie starring Melissa, and she went into a bathroom, took off her shirt and showed the world her bra-covered tits. I thought, “Wow, she’s a slut. It’ll only be a matter of time before she gets nude and I have good me-time material for the rest of my teens.” Unfortunately, I was wrong.

Elizabeth Hurley: I would say that Elizabeth Hurley is the hottest worst actress in all of Hollywood. She consistently churns out crap movie after crap movie. One of the few things she has done that is decent is “Austin Powers” the first one. She was also involved in “Bedazzled”, directed by Harold Ramis, was actually pretty funny. This movie is about Hurley, as the devil, getting some random guy, Brendan Fraser, to sign his soul over to her for sever wishes. But every time he wishes for something, it turns out utterly chaotic.

Recent work by Hurley is horrible. “Serving Sara”, opposite Matthew Perry, aka talentless hack from “Friends”, is her latelest big-time movie. Same advise for her as Larisa Oleynik and Tea Leoni: nudie magazines, porn, or whore yourself while you’re still hot.

Tiffani Thiessen: Some of you may remember a little show called “Saved by the Bell”. I don’t, because I never watched it. Tiff played Kelly Kapowski in SBTB, and had a somewhat successful career after. She was in “Son In Law”, “Saved by the Bell: The College Years”, and “Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas” (she got married to Zach).

Then, her career slowed. She played Valerie Malone in “Beverly Hills, 90210”, and then did just about nothing. “From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money”, “The Ladies Man”, “Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth”, and “Two Guys, A Girl, And A Pizza Place”. Her resume reads like the obituaries. Advice: Stop making bad movies, there’s still time to pull your career out of the shitter.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Cardinals Screwed?

Something I have noticed about the Cardinals this post-season is that they have to score 6 or more runs to win a game. Every time they score less than 6 runs, they loose. What is going on? I’m a sports idiot, but I’ll try to explain.

This post-season has been all about the Whitey-Ball, both in the NLCS and ALCS; hitting smart, stealing, capitalizing on errors, and making the best with what a team has. Not smashing home-runs.

Pitching, up until about a year ago, was awful. And it’s not looking much better against the Astros. With Morris shaky at best, Kline with a broken finger, and Carpenter sidelined with a strained right bicep, pitching may be a problem.

But the Cards do have plenty of other pitchers that could pull out a couple W’s. Isringhausen (2.78 ERA), King (2.61 ERA), Tavarez (2.38 ERA), and Marquis (3.71 ERA). Yeah, King may only be able to play one or two innings, Marquis may have a higher ERA than his teammates, and Izzy and Tavarez may not be overly impressive, but that brings be back to my main point.

The Cardinals have a decent pitching staff. Their offense is great, which I believe is their anchor. If the Cardinals have a shot at winning their last 2 games at home (they are undefeated at home this post-season) they need to realize their pitching potential and continue to have a kick-ass offense. The Cards need to play the game they play best, which is getting Womack (not likely, he sucks this post-season at 6 for 40) and/or Walker on base, and pray that Pujols, Rolen, or Edmonds will get RBIs. That’s my opinion.

And if the Cardinals loose, we can always blame it on some ghost, Bartman, a goat, or mustard.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Johnny Depp: “I’m no heartthrob.”

In a recent interview, Johnny Depp stated that he doesn’t really understand why everyone sees him as one of Hollywood’s leading men. Gee Johnny, maybe it’s the hair and that packed-ass wallet. Even at age 41, this guy has the broads lining up for him!

Depp recently celebrated the premiere of his latest movie ”Finding Neverland” in London. He is apparently very likely to win his first Oscar with his most recent role. Finding Neverland is a movie based on James Barrie, the creator of Peter Pan. The movie follows the life of Barrie from the inception of Peter Pan to the premiere of Peter Pan: The Play. It sounds kinda gay, but if anyone can pull it off, it’s JD.

Johnny Depp has some really great movies, including Pirates of the Caribbean, Secret Window, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Sleepy Hollow, and Nick of Time just to name a few. I can honestly say that I’ll see any Depp movie until he makes a flat out bad movie. (I have the same theory when it comes to The Rock’s movies.)

Some interesting up-coming projects for Depp are as follows: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory as Willy Wonka (2005), and Pirates 2 as Jack Sparrow (2006). Depp will also be the executive producer for The Rum Diary, due out in 2006.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Fahrenheit 9/11: Review OR Michael Moore is Mentally Handicapped

First off, this movie was released in the theaters three months ago. I don’t know what has happened to the movie industry, but if I am going to take any movie seriously I should have to wait at least six months from theater debut to DVD release.

This movie is about 50% whining and sob stories about soldiers that died in the Iraq war. It’s not that I am insensitive to all those that gave their life for the US, I just don’t want to hear about it in a movie that already too long and has little focus.

The other half of the movie is stock footage of George W. and real facts with a very one sided presentation. There are lots of interviews with random old people that are inches away from death and really don’t know what they are talking about, as well as interviews with random locals in small redneck communities.

When I think about why someone would want to make a “movie” like this, the only reason I can come up with is this: Moore wanted to make a name for himself. Sure, he had made other successful documentaries, but he knew a subject of this matter would really grab everyone by the balls and make them take notice.

This movie gave me a headache. Michael Moore is a fat dooshbag. Moore actually pulled his movie from the Academy Awards category of “Documentary Feature” and applied instead for “Best Movie”. If Fahrenheit 911 collects even 1% of the total votes for this category, I will kill myself slowly and painfully.

The only thing remotely cool about Moore is that he actually ENCOURAGED people to download this movie, just because he wanted his “message” to be heard by everybody. Therefore, I would encourage anyone that wants to see this movie to download it first, and if you like it then watch it over and over without paying for it.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004


Awsome flash animation. Click here, come back to my site, and discuss how funny it is.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Michigan vs. Minnesota: Football in the Big House

I went to the Homecoming football game in Michigan earlier today, Saturday October 9. I don’t follow football; nonetheless it was one of the greatest sporting events I have ever been to. And I have been to some great events; Rams vs. 49ers season closer 2002 – Rams come from behind in the forth quarter, Front Row for WWF Survivor Series, and McGuire’s first game as a Cardinal to name a few.
I don’t know how else to describe the size of the Big House, so I’ll just state the attendance: 111,518. That’s a new football something attendance record. Fucking over 100,000 people there just to watch a football game!
It was a good game too. After trailing Minnesota for the second and third quarter, Michigan pulled it out in the forth quarter, scoring a touchdown to win the game 27-24. I was amazed that the crowd (and I mean EVERYONE in the crowd) chanted, sung, and booed in unison. I have never seen that kind of crowd participation and unity before.
So half my face is burnt from being in the sun, and my legs are a little sore from standing the whole time, and my feet feel like they’re going to fall off, but holy crap, what a game!

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Super-Size Me!: Reviewed

This is an awesome movie that follows a man named Morgan Spurlock through his thirty day journey of dieting on nothing but McDonalds.
Before the experiment, Morgan was 6’2 and 185.5lbs with a body fat of 11%. Two days into the experiment, the subject regurgitates his lunch all over the McDonald’s parking lot.
After five days of eating nothing for McD’s for breakfast, lunch and dinner, Morgan had gained 10lbs! After nine days, he had eaten everything on the menu. That’s just awesome.
Here’s something I found absolutely hilarious. Morgan went to a local grade school and showed several students pictures of famous people. Every kid identified Ronald McDonald’s picture, and not one kid recognized Jesus.
Twelve days after the experiment began, he had gained 17 lbs.
Seventeen days into the experiment, his bitch girlfriend, a vegan chef, is nagging at him about how unhealthy his diet is, and how heroin and ham are equally addictive and harmful. If I were Morgan, I would most likely kill her.
By the third weigh-in, he actually lost a pound, most likely muscle mass, while continuing to gain fat.
Day twenty-one, he wakes up in the middle of the night and can’t breathe. One of his three doctors advised the subject to stop the experiment as soon as possible, stating that this could cause irreversible damage to his liver and heart if he continued. He decided to go against doctor’s orders and finish the experiment. Champion.
Final weigh-in, he tipped the scales at 210lbs. What a fatass.
Like I said, this movie is great. After watching this movie, you still want to eat at McDonalds, or any other fast food place, remember that the saturated fat isn’t the worst thing in your Big Mac. It’s the pubic hair.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

"It's MY SITE, Lilian!"

So everyone else has a website, and mine isn't going to necessarily rock. Like this one is probably better, and this one is definitely better. But I'm not shooting for excellence, just mediocrity. Enjoy.