Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Why Hockey is Hated

If you’re a smart sports fan, or have a single drop of good taste, then it’s very likely that you’re an avid hockey hater. Why do so many people hate on a game (not calling it a sport just yet) that has such a rich history and popular following in other parts of the world?

Lets take several things into consideration. Hockey is a very physically demanding game. Although it’s really really fucking gay for grown men to be skating around for a living, it takes a lot of conditioning, endurance, and toughness to get knocked around the way these guys deserve to.

One reason why so many people despise watching hockey on TV, listening via radio, or paying to see in person is the sheer randomness of the game. The puck is difficult to follow in person or at home. The goals are often scored by accident or done so without a goaltender. How many times have you seen a baseball game where a homerun happened after all three outfielders deflected the ball over the fence? That’s every hockey game.

The other big reason hockey is the red-headed step-child of all sports is because the seasons are 7 months long (end of September to end of April), and that’s not including the postseason. There are as many as 5 days between games, plus there’s a 3 week long Olympic Break. No wonder the masses have the attention span of a 4-year-old on speed when it comes to hockey. People are oversaturated with hockey for like 11 months a year, and the one month off is spent talking about the next season.

Lastly, ten years ago hockey was very different. Fights were considered commonplace and part of any hockey game. Now, the game is so watered-down and pussified the fights are broken up! Just like the crap cheesy porn flicks that air late-night on USA with all the boobage edited out, hockey has lost the only thing I ever wanted to see.

It’s no surprise that the target audience for hockey are stupid, toothless hicks, because the very athletes that play hockey are just as toothless and stupid after years and years of blind-sided side-checks. Also is hockey even played? It just doesn’t sound right. Play hockey. Wrestling isn’t played, it’s wrestled. So is hockey hocked, or is it played?

So there’s no question that hockey totally sucks, the only question that still stands is if it is indeed a sport. I believe that it’s a lot like golf, a game that can’t be won or lost, just played, except golfers are way cooler and a lot less homo. Therefore, I declare that hockey is not a sport. By far, the hardest part of being a hockey player is the skating. And I think we all know the hardest part of being an ice-skater; telling your dad you’re gay.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

One Degree Closer to Kevin Bacon

On the night of Tuesday August 30th, I was working at the Office Depot as usual. Just a typical slow night, stupid questions and stupid customers, nothing out of the ordinary. Then, a hurried, older, rotund man with a graying goatee strolled in about an hour before closing time, needing to buy a cell phone. Now any other time I would have talked the person out of it, because activating and selling a cell phone is always a bitch. But this case was very different.

As it turns out, this man was no other than Walter from “The Big Lebowski” and Dan from “Roseanne”, the man himself John Goodman! (He’s also the voice of Robot Santa from “Futurama”.) So everyone else is marking out, and he brushes them off as best as he can without being an asshole. I’m just trying to do my best to sell him a cell phone, which I hate doing, without messing up too bad. After all, he’s John fucking Goodman, and he could have me fired.

The whole process takes about an hour, because my dumb ass keeps messing up. Johnny signs up for the most expensive Sprint plan with all the extras EXCEPT the Sprint extended warrantee. After all, what does he care if his phone breaks, he’ll just buy a new one. Because he’s John f’ing Goodman.

He was real cool about the whole thing taking so long. What I don’t understand is why he was getting a cell phone when he already had one. For some reason that he didn’t get into, he needed another one because he couldn’t talk to his wife (or girlfriend, or whoever), who lives in New Orleans, on his existing phone. Therefore, I can only assume that she was caught up in the whole hurricane thing.

The whole thing was awesome, if for no other reason because John gave me twenty bucks, which will always make my day. Thanks John Goodman, hope your wife’s doing alright and I can honestly say that you made every employee’s and customers’ night, even that hot broad that you mildly sexually harassed when she was leaving the store right when you were coming in.

John Goodman – truly a good man…even while being harassed by crazy people and after being grossly overcharged for a cell phone and service plan.

Honorary Horri-Bill Award Recipient

The King of Modern-Day Horror Movies

Wes Craven has made some of the greatest horror, thriller, and scary movies of the past thirty years. Scream, Nightmare on Elm Street, Swamp Thing, People Under The Stairs, and Scream 3 are among his best. Unfortunately, unless you’re a true Craven fan, or you have Horri-Bill taste in movies, that’s where the good list stops.

People credit Wes for starting the Freddy empire, which kick started the horror movie genera in the US back in 1984. What people don’t realize is that every other movie in the series sucked, and that Wes was involved either in either writing or directing the rest of the series up until the 7th movie New Nightmare, in which Freddy came to life during the making of another Freddy movie to extract revenge against the cast and crew for killing him off in the previous Freddy movie.

That travesty aside, some of Craven’s movies have been decent. I’m sure everyone has seen at least one Craven movie that they would call great, but not everyone has had the opportunity to see his sub-par work. So, here’s a list and summary of some Craven movies that have flown under public radar.

Scream 2: The inevitable sequel, which is never as good as the original. Sadly, an overlooked part of the trilogy in which Sidney Prescott goes off to college and lands herself a frat boy boy-friend. The ending is about as plausible as my ass birthing a monkey, but that’s no reason to not see this movie.

Dracula 2000 (aka Jackie 2000): Three words – Hot Vampire Bitches! The soundtrack is terrific, and the movie is surprisingly decent for a new-age Drac movie. Basically, Dracula awakens after being stolen by some dumb British safe crackers looking for a big payday, and ends up in the middle of Mardi Gras. If you have general knowledge from the bible, then you’ll know the necessary stuff to understand the intricacies of the big “Oh, I get it” moment at the end. Definitely a must see for a vampire-movie-buff.

A Vampire In Brooklyn: Eddie Murphy stars in very different new-age Drac movie, this time a comedy. Eddie plays Dracula, who is looking for a mate to start anew the vampire race. Along the way, some wise-ass cop gets smart to Eddie’s ways and sticks his nose where it doesn’t belong, making for a very confusing and stupid ending. Nonetheless, if you’re either a Wes or Eddie fan, especially Ed's stand up specials, check it out.

Freddy vs. Jason: Watching this movie is like watching a train wreck into the White House while orphaned children are touring it, and slitting your wrist with a chainsaw all the while. There are a few funny moments, but if you’re looking for comedy, turn to Ben Stiller. The plot is as such; Freddy decides that he needs to make a comeback, but needs Jason’s help to do so. The unholy duo have many cool fight sequences, but the ending is as confusing as any other Freddy or Jason movie. I would compare it to Jason X, so beware!

Basically, Wes Craven should be regarded as a man that has made a few great movies, a few more decent movies, and many Horri-Bill movies. Though he is responsible for giving some current Hollywood stars their big break (mainly Johnny Depp), overall he deserves the first ever honorary HB Award, heretofore refered to as The Craven!

Thanks to all that made nominations for this round of the HB Awards. Keep the nominations flowing throughout the year, and before you know it January will be here and it will be time for another round!

BTW One More Awesome post coming very very soon!

Horri-Bill Awards - Round 3

This will be just a real quick post to wrap up the final winners before the last award is given. No pictures, no long, amusing analysis of the nominees.

Congeniality Award: Miss Congeniality 2

Hockey and NASCAR
Two equally bad sports, if they can so be called. One consists of guys ice skating in circles for an hour, the other consists of guys driving around in a circle for an hour. Also, car racing is so extreme it’s acronym needs to be in all caps.

Hands down, the winner is Hockey. A year without hockey, and now it’s coming back. Just like a bad rash below the waist line that you thought was gone, then one day you’re in the shower and find out it’s back, and it’s pissed. That’s hockey.

Coldplay and Greenday.
Call me the antichrist, but I just don’t listen to Coldplay, or Dave Matthews. If I wanted to listen to elevator music, I’d spend my life in the Empire State building. And Greenday I have elaborated on before many times, but to quote myself, punk had it’s heyday, and that was the 1970’s and early 1990’s.

Easily, the winner is Greenday. Clearly, they are the reason for the punk revival of the new century. People have been led to believe that with music, meritocraty is excellence because of Greenday. “That song is great” has turned into “That song is tolerable”. I proclaim from now until the day I die that Greenday is the worst, most overplayed band of the new century.

Gene Snitsky vs. Viscera
Crazy cracker steroid freak up against fat black pimp with a platinum mow-hawk. Snitsky has attacked a “pregnant” woman, causing her to loose her baby, and Vis is just a boring character wrestler that doesn’t even get TV time anymore. I choose…Snitsky. For no good reason, just because he looks like a guy that’s been roided out for years, and has been growing his chin pubes since he started shaving.

Don't forget to post your nominees all year long in the comments section. New great post coming in 24 hours!