Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Flu Vaccinations Are For Fat People!

Not too long ago, I got a weak little sinus infection that knocked me on my ass for about a week. But then, someone at my work said the magic words, “Are you loosing weight?” An idea popped in my head that is so genius, so revolutionary it will change the way people diet, exercise, and shed those unwanted pounds forever.

Every year, fat and fit people alike spend billions of dollars on pills, shakes, vitamins, and dozens of other products that promise miracle weight loss. People also spend billions inoculating themselves against the latest strains of the flu, the common cold, and other viral infections. This innovative and interesting new product is designed to help you shed those holiday pounds, all the while giving you all the benefits of an old-fashioned flu shot.

The product I am developing is called Tru-Flu, and here’s how it works. My idea is to inject people with an extremely dangerous and deadly strain of the same virus people are getting inoculated against, leaving them bedridden for days or even weeks. The basic idea is that when you have a cold, you feel like total crap, stay in bed, and don’t even feel like eating, thereby causing you to loose a ton of weight.

The key to my Tru-Flu shot is no exercise, just laying around all day while your butler, maid, spouse, or one of your parents (sometimes they’re all the same person, Alabama) waits on you!

I’m working on a book and DVD as well, which should be out in time for the holidays, so don’t forget about those last minute gifts!

I’m in the progress of inking a deal with a major drug company to make both a brand name and generic Tru-Flu shot, guaranteed to get you sick and loose five, ten, even twelve pounds in as little as one week! And if you can’t afford the generic, then just give me like ten bucks and I’ll spit in your mouth.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Greg the Bunny: Reviewed

Before you prejudge, read the article and then decide if this show is for you.

This show debuted on the Fox network back in 2002. The show stars Greg, an immature puppet bunny that is the main character of a children’s TV show, not that much unlike Sesame Street. Other puppets include; Warren the Ape (the Shakespearian British lush), Count Blah (the Romanian vampire), and Tardy the Turtle (the slow-minded turtle).

Regular human cast members include Eugene Levy as the dry-humored director for the children’s show, Sarah Silverman (hottest Jew I've ever seen, funny too) as the bitchy network executive, Dina Waters (aka Dina Spybey, also hot right now) as Dottie the ditzy slutty blonde on the childern’s show, Bob Gunton (best known as Warden Notron in Shawshank) as Junction Jack, the Vietnam vet. NRA train conductor for the children’s show, and lastly Seth Green as Eugene’s son and the Assistant Producer (aka coffee gopher).

Crossdressing, lesbianism and gayness, puppet racism, and Hollywood politics are some of the topics this show tackles, all with a witty and fresh comical outlook.

You will enjoy this show if you’re a fan of Seth Green or Crank Yankers. You will not enjoy this show if you don’t like puppets and adult oriented humor.

As with any other show or movie, if you don’t have any expectations for it, you will be at very least satisfied, maybe even slightly enjoy yourself. 3 / 5 Stars!

NOTE: Here’s how my rating system works, 0 – worthless, 1 – really sucks, 2 – below average, 3 – average, 4 – above average, 5 – perfect.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Da Ali G Show Season 1: Reviewed

Yo check it, this is a terrific show on HBO, starring Sacha Cohen, an over-the-top British comedian. It’s been on the air for about five years, and despite it’s hilarity, HBO has never really pushed or heavily promoted the show.

Here’s the jist; the show consists of three different characters (all portrayed by Sacha). Ali G, the main character, is a clueless British gangster. Ali G’s trademark has to be his disgusting attire, the gaudy gold necklace, dew-rag, yellow running suit or matching basketball jersey and shorts, sunglasses, and huge gold rings on every finger. He uses his character’s mindlessness to annoy and confuse his interviewees into saying the stupidest things. Newt Gingrich, Buzz Aldrin, Donald Trump, James Lipton, Andy Rooney (the best interview ever!) and many other famous peeps have been stupefied by his ignorant yet extremely entertaining and witty commentary. A womanizer, occasional weed smoker, and extreme homophobe, he’s everything you would expect of a British bellend.

Bruno, the gay German fashion correspondent, is probably the least funny of the three, which is still saying a lot. His role in the show is to explore the superficiality and vanity of Americans. Bruno definitely looks the part, his highlighted Mohawk and tight designer shirts and jeans are absolutely fabulous. While Bruno doesn’t ever interview any A-list celebrities, he interviews plenty of A-list imitators and supporters such as aspiring fashion designers, club owners, stylists, runway models, and Hollywood critics. Basically, he exposes how phony and outlandish the “new money” upper-classers can be.

The other character is known as “Borat” (pictured above), the Khazigstani reporter. Sporting a mustache that would make even Underwood wince with jealousy, a puffy Ishtar-like fro complete with mild upper-forehead-balding, and a horrible suit that hasn’t been washed in five years, Borat travels America in search of the most racist, prejudice, and backwater folks. Somehow he gets interviews with these idiots, and has even suckered one poor sap that was running for office to admit that he believes all Jews are going to Hell because they don’t believe in Jesus. In my opinion, his most entertaining segment has to be where he goes to a hole-in-the-wall southern karaoke bar, and sings a song he wrote called “In My Country There Is Problem”.

It should be noted that though Sacha pokes fun at Jews a lot, I’m pretty sure he’s Jewish himself. The real comedy in Da Ali G Show is the reaction of his interviewees and crowds, his ability to manipulate and twist their responses into something totally different from what was intended and watch them try to worm their way out of it.

As I said, this is an excellent show, but the episodes only average 30 minutes. On HBO there is so much more expected, it seems like a waste to have a series that is less than an hour per episode. Overall, it is hilarious and entertaining, and I guess that’s all that matters. My review; 3.75/5.00 Stars!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Futurama News!

It has been rumored for more than two years, but now it seems pretty much confirmed; Futurama is back!

The only question that remains is, in what capacity? It will either be brought back as a TV series, or as a movie, the later of the two being the more likely choice. If it is revived as a movie, it will probably be a straight-to-DVD release, and most likely a three-episode format, just like the Family Guy movie.

The Futurama project has a tentative release date of sometime in 2007, with very few other details available. All the major voices (Bender, Leela, Fry, and Zoidberg) are apparently committed to the project, but all you really need is Billy West, who has apparently done every cartoon voice ever.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Oz Season 1 Reviewed

The first HBO original series, which debuted in 1997, set in a maximum-security prison, follows the inmates of Emerald City, an experimental cell block that is designed to rehabilitate prisoners and prepare them for a healthy and productive life after their sentence is served.

This show has everything you would expect of a real prison; drug (aka tits) trafficking, guard corruption, murder, aryans, muslims, jews, athletes, blacks, whites, italians, and lots of fags and gay raping. The inmates of Em City are there for crimes ranging from selling drugs to murder, and are serving sentences ranging from a few months to many consecutive life terms without the possibility of parole. From cop killers to cannibals, this show has everything.

What makes the show especially interesting is that it’s narrated by a black wheelchair-bound inmate. This unique prospective from someone that is an Em city veteran as well as being handicapped provides the audience with a point of view that you normally wouldn’t think about.

In my opinion, the most interesting storyline of the first season revolves around a new inmate named Tobias Beecher, a middle class middle-aged white guy with the worst luck in the world. He would up in Em City because he got drunk and drove into a little girl riding a bike. Watching him adapt to prison life and getting pushed around is easily the most entertaining sub-plot of the show.

I would say more about the other storylines, but for those that haven’t already seen it I don’t want to spoil the entire season. If you can get past the very frequent male nudity, this show is excellent. There are subtle religious and social undertones that parallel aspects of life outside the walls of Oswald Maximum Security Correctional Facility. The beginning of an empire for HBO and their original series’, and a terrific show with great acting, writing, and direction. Definitely check out season 1 of Oz. My rating, 4.5 / 5 stars!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Sirius Radio: The Case For and Against

Inspired by Fitz’s recent article about Stern moving to Sirius, here’s a point by point argument for if satellite radio is worth it, or not.

1: Commercial Free – Although Stern has admitted that he will have a few commercials, just so he can have time to set up segments, every other satellite radio channel is commercial free. Worth the cost of $13 a month, maybe.

2: The Talent – For the housewives, Martha Stewart. For the rest of us, Stern and his sidekicks. I do agree with Fitz in that Artie is the best part of the Stern show. I don’t think, however, that Artie will leave the Stern Sirius show. His Hollywood career pretty much reads like the obituaries, and I don’t think many other opportunities will present themselves for Artie. And that’s not a bad thing, because he’s great on Stern’s show. Is the talent worth the monthly subscription, probably not.

3: The Channels – Over 120 channels of any kind of music you would care to listen to; pop, rap, rock, christian, jazz, blues, classical and more. Also, sports, news, live performances, talk, traffic, weather, even religion and family programming. Worth the monthly subscription, probably.

4: The Hardware – The bad news is you have to buy the receiver. The good news is that all the receivers have built-in FM transmitters, which means you can take the receiver between your car and home stereo, and if you have a media center computer you can record the FM transmittions of Sirius broadcasts. Also, some of the receivers have internal memory, so you can record up to 44 minutes, rewind and fastforward the live broadcasts from the receiver. Also, there’s a special sport receiver that delivers scores for any college or professional sport to the display on the receiver. Is the receiver worth the money, definitely maybe.

5: The Monthly Subscription – This is what it all comes down to. Though the first three aren’t deal makers or breakers by themselves, when you take them all into account it’s a pretty sweet package. Is it worth the money, in my opinion, yes. There are a few plans in addition to the $13 monthly subscription. There is a 1 year plan for $143 (1 month free), 2 year plan for $272 (3 months free), and a lifetime plan for $500 (lifetime of 4 receivers, not your entire lifetime).

I hate to make this seem like an ad for Sirius, but in my opinion Sirius is worth it. Even without Stern and his sidekicks, you still have tons of content at your disposal whether you’re in the car, at home, at work, or anywhere else.

I stayed away from the cable TV analogy because at this point it’s cliché and isn’t really even valid. People are more comfortable paying for something they can see, as opposed to something they are just going to listen to. If you’re still not sure if you’re ready to take the Sirius plunge, check out their site for a free online trial (no credit card required).

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Adam Sandler: The Definitive Review

The following are all the movies and projects that involve Adam Sandler in some way, be it acting, directing, producing, or writing. I will only review movies and projects that I have seen. All ratings are out of 5 stars, 5 being a perfectly entertaining and funny movie with a good story and good acting, and 0 being 90 minutes of a jar of mayonnaise.

The Longest Yard – Despite the abundance of big names, this is a pretty decent flick. Set in a southern prison, Adam Sandler plays the unlikely ex-football player that leads the inmates in an Inmate vs. Guard football game. The only real bad part of this movie that sticks out in my memory is Stone Cold as the asshole racist cop that loves to use “the N word” like it’s going out of style. It doesn’t add to the story, it’s just disturbing and out of place. Despite other flaws, 3 / 5

50 First Dates – A decent Sandler/Barrymore movie, the hook being Barrymore as the girl who can’t make new memories ever since a car accident, so Sandler has to find a wacky, creative way to meet and woo her every day. The walrus in this movie is hilarious. Not the over-the-top vomit scene, just the fact that there’s a walrus in the movie. 3.5 / 5 Stars.

Anger Management – Sandler, after an accidental fight with a stewardess, is ordered to undergo radical 24 hour therapy with a famous psychologist, Jack Nickolson. Classic Jack, and everything you would expect from Sandler. 3.5 / 5 Stars.

Eight Crazy Nights – Cartoon about a humbug Sandler trapped in a small town during the winter holiday season. Don’t bother with this one, just watch grass grow or Fitz eat a taco. 0.5 / 5 Stars.

Mr. Deeds – Sandler is a small town pizza chef, and finds out that his rich uncle has died and inherits all his riches and companies. When he comes to New York to claim his billions, he soon finds out that there’s no staying out of the public eye. John Turturro is very entertaining, and his performance alone is worth watching Deeds. 3 / 5 Stars.

Little Nicky – As the son of Satan, Sandler tries to stop his other two brothers from turning Earth into another Hell. Special appearance by Bubbs. Pretty funny, but I would have to kill myself if I didn’t give this movie 1.5 / 5 Stars.

Big Daddy – Undoubtedly Sandler’s best movie. An out-of-work lawyer, Sandler illegitimately adopts a child to impress his girlfriend, just in time to learn she’s boning a grandpa. There’s nothing I can say that will do justice to this movie, if you haven’t seen it, or haven’t seen it in a while then get to a video store or head to Netflix.com and get it. 5 / 5 Stars!

The Waterboy – Another sports movie, starring Sandler as the southern hick that is waterboy for State University’s football team. Sandler realizes his potential as a football player, and against his mom’s wishes, plays the football. Go ahead and waste your time unless you have a real movie you want to watch, 2 / 5 Stars.

The Wedding Singer – The other Sandler/Barrymore flick, this time taking place in the eighties. Barrymore is engaged to some prick, and Sandler falls in love with her. All around, a very good situational comedy. 4 / 5 Stars

Bulletproof – Co-starring Damon Wayans, felon Sandler gets arrested, and he and Damon have to run from the drug lord that Sandler worked for. This movie is one of the worst movies possibly of all time and maybe even the world. 0.5 / 5 Stars

Happy Gilmore – The hockey wanna-be turned golfer, Sandler plays the PGA tour so he can earn money to buy back his grandmother’s house. Chris McDonals is the perfect villain, playing Shooter. 4 / 5 Stars

Billy Madison – The heir to the Madison hotel chain, Billy slothfully lives out his life getting boozed up with his friends until one day, to prove to his father he’s not totally worthless, Billy goes back to every grade of primary education. Classic. 4 / 5 Stars.

Airheads – Very dated, not funny, Sandler plays a band member that hijacks a radio station to get their song played on the air. 0 / 5 Stars.

There are some other movies of note that I haven’t seen, such as Spanglish, Punch-Drunk-Love, and Going Overboard. All of these are horrible, I’m told. He has also been involved in some other decent stuff, like both Deuce Biggilos and a couple David Spade movies and comedy specials (not Take The Hit). Overall, Sandler has been in more decent movies than bad ones.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Why Hockey is Hated

If you’re a smart sports fan, or have a single drop of good taste, then it’s very likely that you’re an avid hockey hater. Why do so many people hate on a game (not calling it a sport just yet) that has such a rich history and popular following in other parts of the world?

Lets take several things into consideration. Hockey is a very physically demanding game. Although it’s really really fucking gay for grown men to be skating around for a living, it takes a lot of conditioning, endurance, and toughness to get knocked around the way these guys deserve to.

One reason why so many people despise watching hockey on TV, listening via radio, or paying to see in person is the sheer randomness of the game. The puck is difficult to follow in person or at home. The goals are often scored by accident or done so without a goaltender. How many times have you seen a baseball game where a homerun happened after all three outfielders deflected the ball over the fence? That’s every hockey game.

The other big reason hockey is the red-headed step-child of all sports is because the seasons are 7 months long (end of September to end of April), and that’s not including the postseason. There are as many as 5 days between games, plus there’s a 3 week long Olympic Break. No wonder the masses have the attention span of a 4-year-old on speed when it comes to hockey. People are oversaturated with hockey for like 11 months a year, and the one month off is spent talking about the next season.

Lastly, ten years ago hockey was very different. Fights were considered commonplace and part of any hockey game. Now, the game is so watered-down and pussified the fights are broken up! Just like the crap cheesy porn flicks that air late-night on USA with all the boobage edited out, hockey has lost the only thing I ever wanted to see.

It’s no surprise that the target audience for hockey are stupid, toothless hicks, because the very athletes that play hockey are just as toothless and stupid after years and years of blind-sided side-checks. Also is hockey even played? It just doesn’t sound right. Play hockey. Wrestling isn’t played, it’s wrestled. So is hockey hocked, or is it played?

So there’s no question that hockey totally sucks, the only question that still stands is if it is indeed a sport. I believe that it’s a lot like golf, a game that can’t be won or lost, just played, except golfers are way cooler and a lot less homo. Therefore, I declare that hockey is not a sport. By far, the hardest part of being a hockey player is the skating. And I think we all know the hardest part of being an ice-skater; telling your dad you’re gay.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

One Degree Closer to Kevin Bacon

On the night of Tuesday August 30th, I was working at the Office Depot as usual. Just a typical slow night, stupid questions and stupid customers, nothing out of the ordinary. Then, a hurried, older, rotund man with a graying goatee strolled in about an hour before closing time, needing to buy a cell phone. Now any other time I would have talked the person out of it, because activating and selling a cell phone is always a bitch. But this case was very different.

As it turns out, this man was no other than Walter from “The Big Lebowski” and Dan from “Roseanne”, the man himself John Goodman! (He’s also the voice of Robot Santa from “Futurama”.) So everyone else is marking out, and he brushes them off as best as he can without being an asshole. I’m just trying to do my best to sell him a cell phone, which I hate doing, without messing up too bad. After all, he’s John fucking Goodman, and he could have me fired.

The whole process takes about an hour, because my dumb ass keeps messing up. Johnny signs up for the most expensive Sprint plan with all the extras EXCEPT the Sprint extended warrantee. After all, what does he care if his phone breaks, he’ll just buy a new one. Because he’s John f’ing Goodman.

He was real cool about the whole thing taking so long. What I don’t understand is why he was getting a cell phone when he already had one. For some reason that he didn’t get into, he needed another one because he couldn’t talk to his wife (or girlfriend, or whoever), who lives in New Orleans, on his existing phone. Therefore, I can only assume that she was caught up in the whole hurricane thing.

The whole thing was awesome, if for no other reason because John gave me twenty bucks, which will always make my day. Thanks John Goodman, hope your wife’s doing alright and I can honestly say that you made every employee’s and customers’ night, even that hot broad that you mildly sexually harassed when she was leaving the store right when you were coming in.

John Goodman – truly a good man…even while being harassed by crazy people and after being grossly overcharged for a cell phone and service plan.

Honorary Horri-Bill Award Recipient

The King of Modern-Day Horror Movies

Wes Craven has made some of the greatest horror, thriller, and scary movies of the past thirty years. Scream, Nightmare on Elm Street, Swamp Thing, People Under The Stairs, and Scream 3 are among his best. Unfortunately, unless you’re a true Craven fan, or you have Horri-Bill taste in movies, that’s where the good list stops.

People credit Wes for starting the Freddy empire, which kick started the horror movie genera in the US back in 1984. What people don’t realize is that every other movie in the series sucked, and that Wes was involved either in either writing or directing the rest of the series up until the 7th movie New Nightmare, in which Freddy came to life during the making of another Freddy movie to extract revenge against the cast and crew for killing him off in the previous Freddy movie.

That travesty aside, some of Craven’s movies have been decent. I’m sure everyone has seen at least one Craven movie that they would call great, but not everyone has had the opportunity to see his sub-par work. So, here’s a list and summary of some Craven movies that have flown under public radar.

Scream 2: The inevitable sequel, which is never as good as the original. Sadly, an overlooked part of the trilogy in which Sidney Prescott goes off to college and lands herself a frat boy boy-friend. The ending is about as plausible as my ass birthing a monkey, but that’s no reason to not see this movie.

Dracula 2000 (aka Jackie 2000): Three words – Hot Vampire Bitches! The soundtrack is terrific, and the movie is surprisingly decent for a new-age Drac movie. Basically, Dracula awakens after being stolen by some dumb British safe crackers looking for a big payday, and ends up in the middle of Mardi Gras. If you have general knowledge from the bible, then you’ll know the necessary stuff to understand the intricacies of the big “Oh, I get it” moment at the end. Definitely a must see for a vampire-movie-buff.

A Vampire In Brooklyn: Eddie Murphy stars in very different new-age Drac movie, this time a comedy. Eddie plays Dracula, who is looking for a mate to start anew the vampire race. Along the way, some wise-ass cop gets smart to Eddie’s ways and sticks his nose where it doesn’t belong, making for a very confusing and stupid ending. Nonetheless, if you’re either a Wes or Eddie fan, especially Ed's stand up specials, check it out.

Freddy vs. Jason: Watching this movie is like watching a train wreck into the White House while orphaned children are touring it, and slitting your wrist with a chainsaw all the while. There are a few funny moments, but if you’re looking for comedy, turn to Ben Stiller. The plot is as such; Freddy decides that he needs to make a comeback, but needs Jason’s help to do so. The unholy duo have many cool fight sequences, but the ending is as confusing as any other Freddy or Jason movie. I would compare it to Jason X, so beware!

Basically, Wes Craven should be regarded as a man that has made a few great movies, a few more decent movies, and many Horri-Bill movies. Though he is responsible for giving some current Hollywood stars their big break (mainly Johnny Depp), overall he deserves the first ever honorary HB Award, heretofore refered to as The Craven!

Thanks to all that made nominations for this round of the HB Awards. Keep the nominations flowing throughout the year, and before you know it January will be here and it will be time for another round!

BTW One More Awesome post coming very very soon!

Horri-Bill Awards - Round 3

This will be just a real quick post to wrap up the final winners before the last award is given. No pictures, no long, amusing analysis of the nominees.

Congeniality Award: Miss Congeniality 2

Hockey and NASCAR
Two equally bad sports, if they can so be called. One consists of guys ice skating in circles for an hour, the other consists of guys driving around in a circle for an hour. Also, car racing is so extreme it’s acronym needs to be in all caps.

Hands down, the winner is Hockey. A year without hockey, and now it’s coming back. Just like a bad rash below the waist line that you thought was gone, then one day you’re in the shower and find out it’s back, and it’s pissed. That’s hockey.

Coldplay and Greenday.
Call me the antichrist, but I just don’t listen to Coldplay, or Dave Matthews. If I wanted to listen to elevator music, I’d spend my life in the Empire State building. And Greenday I have elaborated on before many times, but to quote myself, punk had it’s heyday, and that was the 1970’s and early 1990’s.

Easily, the winner is Greenday. Clearly, they are the reason for the punk revival of the new century. People have been led to believe that with music, meritocraty is excellence because of Greenday. “That song is great” has turned into “That song is tolerable”. I proclaim from now until the day I die that Greenday is the worst, most overplayed band of the new century.

Gene Snitsky vs. Viscera
Crazy cracker steroid freak up against fat black pimp with a platinum mow-hawk. Snitsky has attacked a “pregnant” woman, causing her to loose her baby, and Vis is just a boring character wrestler that doesn’t even get TV time anymore. I choose…Snitsky. For no good reason, just because he looks like a guy that’s been roided out for years, and has been growing his chin pubes since he started shaving.

Don't forget to post your nominees all year long in the comments section. New great post coming in 24 hours!

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Horri-Bill Awards: Round 3 - Worst Man and Woman

Tom Cruise: See previous post. Still on the kill list.

Mike Jackson: A child-molester, a Catholic Priest, and Mike Jackson walk into a bar…six months ago this would have been just another line in Leno’s shitty monologue, but now it’s front-page news. What’s even more amazing is people are shocked that Mike is getting sued for playin with boy’s asses. He has been doing this since the 80’s, people! Am I the only one that remembers all the out-of-court settlements and law suites this guy has been through? It was all over the news back then, and nothing has changed. Mike, take a cold shower and some zanex and quit raping cute 12 year old boys!

Winner…even though there’s no real winner here, because the two nominees are most likely certifiablely insane, the more ridiculous of the two is by a nose (job) Mike Jackson! Twenty years of raping ten year olds beats out publicly announcing your faith in a silly Godless religion, in my opinion.


Oprah: Rumored to have thrown a big bitch-fit when she tried to get into a jewelry store after hours and they wouldn’t let her in, because they were closed. Confirmed to have sent her personal assistant while she was on jury duty to get her a special veggie burger instead of the crappy cafeteria food everyone else had to eat. The so-called Queen of all Media, not censored by the FCC because she’s “sacred”. Fat, skinny, in-between, always a bitch.

Katie Holmes: See previous post. And I’d still do her.

Winner is: Oprah! Yeah, she’s the queen, but she’s the queen of things that don’t matter and aren’t entertaining. She should crawl under a rock, die, or go bankrupt. And no, I wouldn’t do her, under any circumstances. I WOULD marry her, but only for a few minutes so I could divorce her and make an easy million dollars from the settlement.

Only a couple more rounds left; Sports, TV, and a special Honorary HB award will be given. Check back soon!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Horri-Bill Awards: Round 2 - Worst Movie

The Pacifier: Vin Diesel is a rogue FBI agent that plays by no one’s rules, except his own. After botching a very important assignment involving Osama Bin Laden, the Queen of England, and ninety kilos of pure, undetectable cocaine, he is reassigned to baby-sit some ratty screaming kids. This movie is about on the same level as that made up sitcom from Seinfeld, where Jerry gets rear-ended by some guy without insurance, so the judge sentences the guy to be Jerry’s butler (Vin would play the butler.) And remember, this loose cannon plays by no one’s rules. Not even his own.

Electra: Taking place before the popular and Horri-Bill worthy Daredevil, this movie stars the beautiful Jennifer Garner. The once assassin turned softie finds herself smack dab in the middle of a moral dilemma; kill the people she was hired to kill, or protect them and be killed herself by wizards from the future and robotic ghosts. Electra is hunted by a guy can make tattoos jump off his body and take form of animals, such as snakes and tigers. If I had that badass power, I would make an alpaca, or even one of these jump out of my skin.

Hitch: Will Smith leads in this, the fifth highest grossing movie of the year (vomit). Also starring in this monstrosity is Kevin James (The King of Queens) and Eva Mendes (extremely hot). Smith plays a gay matchmaker, teaching James the ropes of dating, dancing, and other social necessities. It might as well have been called “Queer; The Movie” or “Lets Gag America”.

The Winner is: Hitch! Something that is so bad that made so much money deserves to be singled out as by far the worst movie thus far in 2005. Please, don’t ever buy, rent, even download this movie. You’d just be wasting valuable bandwidth that could be used for pron viewing.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Horri-Bill Awards: Round 1 - Worst Actor and Actress

Worst Actor Nominations:

Tom Cruise: Nominated not just because he is a terrible actor, but because he is so overrated and continues to make crap, and obviously because of his ridiculous comments made on modern-day medical techniques, his stupid religion, and his actions on daytime TV. I have also been instructed to end his worthless life should he mess up one more time. So watch your back, hippie, because you never know when I could get that call.

Ice Cube: Known for his great roles in “xXx State of the Union”, “Torque”, “Barbershop”, “Ghosts of Mars”, and “Anaconda”. There’s no other way to explain how I feel about Cube’s movies than this - they give me explosive diarrhea. Cube, you need to get away from the camera and back behind the mic.

Winner of Worst Actor: Tom Cruise makes me nauseous, and question if there is indeed a God, but there’s nothing worse than having an extreme case of liquid poo. Ice Cube, you win, but we all loose.

Worst Actress:

Katie Holmes: Guilt by association. If some dumb Hollywood bimbo sleeps with Tom Cruise for long enough, she’s going to start believing his propaganda. She’s been brainwashed and is now considered dead to me. But I’d still do her (unless she was legally dead, then I wouldn’t).

Due to a lack of other nominations, the only nominee and winner of Worst Actress is Katie Holmes! Maybe Cruise and Holmes will do some cute “I Love You” movie together to help pay for their wedding, or maybe they’ll break up long before they get a chance to divorce eachother. Either way, it’s sure to be entertaining.

Check back soon for another round of the Horri-Bill Awards, bitches!

Monday, July 18, 2005


Howard Stern Fired

I wake up every day at 6:00AM and expect the Stern show to be playing, amusing me as I get ready for work. What do I hear instead - some disclaimer saying that Howard Stern, the original shock jock, the king of the radio, has been terminated, and David Lee Roth, “the new Jew”, is replacing him as of today.

And after listening to only 15 minutes of Roth’s new show, let me be the first to blog that it is absolutely worthless. This guy is about as entertaining as a wet stuffed animal.

I’m not necessarily a Stern fan; he generally doesn’t know what he’s talking about and can be very bitchy. But the guy gets stupid girls to strip down to their birthday suits in order to get money for titty implants, and so many more incredible things that if I were to try I know I’d get arrested.

Also, without a doubt, Artie is the funniest person on the show and was the reason I started listening and tuned in almost daily.

Stern’s move to Sirius satellite radio has been hyped for well over either months now, and though he will definitely take some time off before starting his new job I’m sure the show will be the same good old show.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Sony vs. Apple

Sony has finally re-entered the market of personal music players for the first time since 1979. Back then, the “Walkman” revolutionized how people listened to music utilizing the audio cassette.

The new Walkman has overtaken Apple’s iPod in Japan for two months in a row, making it the most popular portable music player in the biggest market in the world. However, the only advantage Sony has in Japan that it doesn’t have in the US is that iTunes doesn’t exist in Japan, as it does in Europe and the US.

Apple’s popular iPod has the capability to play downloaded songs from the popular iTunes service, mp3s, and other popular audio formats, as well as the capability to be broadcast over short range FM transmission to either your car or home stereo, or to your blog so other dorks can hear your songs.

Assuming Sony will include the same features for the new Walkmanas Apple does with it’s iPod, with the obvious exception of iTunes compatibility, the question is raised; which portable music player will come out on top, or will there even be a significant impact with the introduction of Sony’s new Walkman at all?

My prediction is that with the popular Sony brand name, as with any other Sony brand name product, the new Walkman digital music player will be overpriced, yet comparable to Apple’s iPod. As overpriced as it may be, Sony will most likely offer incentives to switch from the iPod to the new Walkman, rumored to have it’s own digital download service by the time of a US release (likely to be either Sony based or some other popular service, such as Napster). Mail-in-rebates, free websites (ala freeiPod.com) and subliminal three pronged advertising (subliminal, liminal, and super-liminal) are sure to play a part in Sony’s marketing campaign as it gears up for it’s new era.

PS - Submit entries for the HB Awards or it will surely be a boring contest.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Tom Cruise; Walkin a Thin Line OR I’m Back.

I’m sure everyone is aware of Tommie’s recent hijinx. I’m also sure everyone’s aware of how big a doosh Tommie is. And if you check Fitz’s site, then you’re also aware that if he makes one more slip up, I have an official contract out to kill Tom Cruise. So I’m going to take this opportunity to write my manifesto on good ol’ Tom Cruise.

Listen up, chief, because these may very well be the last words you ever read. Girls say that you’re so cute and hot (nhjic), but after seeing you without a shirt on in one of your crapshit movies, I would compare you to a topless Ishtar.

You’re an overactor, and you take too long to deliver your lines (which is more the director’s and editor’s and writer’s fault than your’s) but I still blame you. Sure you’ve had a few good movies (Collateral, Vanilla Sky, Minority Report, and Magnolia most notably), but the vast majority of your movies have all been the same. You play some rich boy, magazine editor, karate expert bad ass, fighter pilot, sports agent good-guy with nothing to loose until everthing is taken from you. That’s not acting, that’s PLAYING. James Gandolfini in “The Mexican” as a gay hitman, now that’s acting!

I saw that “Inside the Actor’s Studio” with host James Lipton, where you claimed to be so hands on with your every role in every movie from “Top Gun” to “Out of the Closet”, due out sometime next year, where you play some gayfag with aids (not really acting?). You spend months perfecting how your character would act and what he would say, even when you were a nobody. Guess what, genius, you have no right to claim any success for your interpretation of your characters in your movies, because they aren’t created by you; they are created by writers and studio execs. You’re just the face-man, and are as talentless as a blind-deaf prostitute.

You’re not a famous Hollywood hotshot because you’re good, you’re famous because you have been famous for a while and you haven’t done anything incredibly stupid yet. As I said, one more misstep and your life is mine. Keep your $600 an hour hair dresser, and your $500 an hour therapist (if you believe in it) and eff off. In a few years you’ll be forgotten and someone like Bam Margera or The Rock will replace you, and you’ll be in some mental hospital, or in rehab, or hiding in Europe.

The point is, regardless of who kills you or when your life ends or where you hide, you’re still going to be a horri-bill person and a terrible actor.

Speaking of Horri-Bill, I’ve decided to resurrect the HB Awards and turn them into a twice a year event. Send your submissions for actor, actress, movie, and any other category you can think of. Post them here, and Tom Cruise, go to Hell.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Aqua Teen Hunger Force Review

Overview: You’ll either love or hate this show. It’s a Cartoon Network original series based in New Jersey. There are four main characters; Shake – a pistachio milk shake with an attitude, Meatwad – a meatball with no brain, Frylock – a large order of fries and the straight-man of the group (n/h), and Carl – the greasy, overweight, balding, middle-aged Italian landlord.

I would compare this show to Family guy, only with less concern for the plot, and with almost exclusively non-human characters, which allows it to be more ridiculous. Also adding to the show’s personality is the episodes only lasting for around 12 minutes. This allows the show to tackle twice as many important issues, such as shoplifting, vandalism, grand theft auto, alcohol abuse, and many others.

Among the all the episodes, I would have to rank the following three as three of the best:

1. Frat Aliens
After Carl installs a laser grid security system to keep the Aqua Teens from using his pool, frat aliens decide to crash the party. That’s all.

2. The Cubing
A multi-colored cube appears in the Aqua Teen’s front lawn, and claims to be the “Wisdom Cube”, the wisest being in the universe. The cube does little to bestow his limitless wisdom onto the Aqua Teens, and instead tells useless stories. “This one time I ate boiled peanuts…” I think we all know of at least one person like that.

3. Universal Remonster
After traveling eons across both space and time, two aliens use a stargate-like device called the “fargate” to get free cable from the Aqua Teens. The aliens don’t like what’s on TV, so they use the Universal Remonster (a teddy bear with remote controls for arms and legs) to change the channel.

Like I said, you’ll either love or hate this show. It’s on Cartoon Network weekdays from 11.00 – 11.30 central.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

The Slut Tournament

Here’s the jist; the next time you and a few of your friends are bored, take out a piece of paper and pen, and make a list of friends (men and women), famous people, and fictitious characters. Then, hold a single-elimination bracket style tournament as to who would be the sluttiest, or bitchiest, or the biggest asshole, etc.

I’ll be holding a Slut Tournament, post your entries in the comments section.

Entry #1 - Jessica Simpson

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Episode III

I don’t need to say that I enjoyed the movie, because everyone that matters is going to see it anyway. I don’t need to say how great the special effects, plot, and story telling were either. Here’s what needs to be said, and it’s not a rehash of what twenty million other Star Wars blogger’s have said.

The Star Wars universe has nowhere else to go. Everything has been explained, and once all the Star Wars fans realize that, they will be very disappointed. The mythology surrounding the Star Wars empire is all tapped out, unless George Lucas decides to make another prequel trilogy, or perhaps a 7 8 9 trilogy. Either is very unlikely, since GL is rich off his fat ass and he and his family of fat ass adopted daughters could easily live off just the royalties for the rest of their lives. He won’t sell the rights to anyone to make the movies for him, because as I just stated, he has enough money to choke Donald Trump.

Truthfully, I would be perfectly happy with the Star Wars story staying just the way it is, with six episodes. Anything additional to the saga would seem almost forced.

That being said, both the Star Wars trilogies are arguably two of the better movie trilogies. Coming up soon, a list of the best trilogies of all time.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

The Drop

This will probably be the last posting I do about LA. While I was living in the leaking shipwreck called “the Theta Xi house”, I lived next to a guy that was in a band called “The Drop”. I went to see a couple of his band’s live shows, and these guys are absolutely boss!

As everyone knows, the music industry has been on a steady decline ever since the late nineties. With the emergence of emo, scream-o, and fake punk, a lot of people have been turned off to new music and new bands. So where does the music industry have to go now? Simple, back when it was most recently the greatest.

“The Drop” is a very 90’s-esk band, however, they’re unlike any other band I have heard from the 90’s, so it’s hard to describe them. It’s a distinct style that sticks out from the same old run-of-the-mill crap that you hear on the radio now-a-days. The guitar solos rock like early rock n’ roll, the vocals are fresh, and drums, base, and everything else are just plain awesome.

I admit it, I’m biased because I know one of the guys in the band and talked to him through the paper-thin wall just about every day Office-Space-style, but simply put, this band totally rocks. If you’re in the LA area, check out The Drop live if you get the chance. If you’re not in the LA area, check out their website. There are only 3 songs on their site, and two of them don't really fit the description I just gave in this article, but check it out, it's worth it in my opinion. If there is a downside to this band, it is they don't play "Something For Nothing" nearly enough.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Back in Town

LA was getting kind of boring, especially since I had no car and had to bum rides everywhere. But during the last few days in wonderland, I was actually ready to leave, get back to the ol’ STL where all my friends and family are, as well as my car.

So what’s the first thing I see when my plane lands? Lots of rain and clouds in the sky. I miss LA already, and I just got back Thursday evening. I want to go back for so many reasons, mainly the weather and all the hot females. Not that St. Louis doesn’t have any hot females, but LA hot females dress like strippers ought to. Also, LA strippers dress like hookers ought to. And the LA hookers dress like…well, hookers.

The people in LA are cool too. Sure, you’ll meet plenty of stereotypical Hollywood two-faced assholes, but you’ll also meet just as many genuine real people. One can really judge if someone is the stereotypical Los Angelian by how they approach a member of the opposite sex. “Baby, my dad’s a director” = typical LA prick. “Baby, my dad owns a dealership” = typical STL prick.

The point is this; LA is real easy to fall in love with. It’s got a great nightlife, the local females are real easy on the eyes, the weather is awesome, and there are beaches everywhere. What can be said for St. Louis? We’ve got an arch. I’m not saying this city sucks, but by comparison St. Louis sucks.

Check out my Flickr page for some pictures of my LA visit.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Sony vs. Toshiba Update

The battle between Sony and Toshiba may finally be coming to an end. According to RedHerring.com, the companies are discussing a common standard, basically either Blu-Ray, HD, or some totally new technology.

That being said, Sony has the most to loose by compromising their Blu-Ray technology. Regardless of the outcome of the negotiations, Sony’s next generation game consol will utilize their Blu-Ray discs. If that’s the only item on the market that uses Blu-Ray, then Sony is missing out on a lot of royalties. Sony will have to bear the financial burden of introducing a new console with a new disc format that no one else uses, which means the games and console could cost more.

However, if Toshiba compromises their HD disc technology, they will be missing out on all the royalties as well. Both companies have sunk an incredible amount of money into their respective technologies for the past three years, which pretty much rules out a new format. I see this ending in Sony or Toshiba purchasing the other company’s technology so they can either use it as their own, or scrap it so they can use their original technology.

The only downside to this news is that if a totally new format is created, it could set back the debut of the new technology by as much as a year-and-a-half. If the Blu-Ray format is picked, it means more storage space and a new era in disc storage. If HD is picked, it means minimal assembly-line updates and more profit for the disc manufacturers. If something totally different is picked, everyone is effed.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Finally, a New Post!

I’m back, and with big news – some good, mostly bad.

Good news - there is a new Transformers movie in the works! Do you remember Transformers growing up? The cartoons, the action figures, even the comic books? Ah, there were very few shows that rivaled the greatness of this hit cartoon series. I’m sure we all recall the two factions of the Transformers; the AutoBots (good guys, led by Optimus Prime) and the Decepticons (bad guys, led by Megatron). Unfortunately, that's where the happy memories stop.

The bad news – it’s going to be a live-action film, and it will be directed by Michael Bay (who directed Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys 1 and 2, and produced The (new) Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and the Amityville Horror). Bay is also slated to produce the untitled prequel to his remake of the classic horror flick Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Normally I don’t rag on directors or producers that make shitty movies, because sometimes they just don’t have any other options. If a studio comes to you and offers you a movie, you have two choices: do it, or don’t eat for a year. But when someone such as Bay does nothing but crap movies for the last ten years (with the exception of Armageddon, and possibly The Rock), but they have all been a financial success, that’s where I draw the line. If this guy wanted to, I’m sure he could pick and choose the movies he makes. This leads me to believe that he is the epitome of a Hollywood whore, willing to do anything to make an easy $10 mil, and has really poor taste.

Here’s my solution: instead of paying eight-fifty to see this ninety-minute travesty, two years from now, when this monstrosity hits the big-screen, I’ll watch the original Transformers Movie. It’ll be a big party, and you’re all invited.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Sin City Review

Generally, when I see a movie’s trailer or TV spot that makes the movie seem awesome, and it is by a great director, and it has a crap load of big name actors involved, I naturally conclude that it can’t be nearly as good as the preview makes it out to be. Shame on me.

This movie was based on several graphic novels (written by Frank Miller), not a comic. Graphic novels don’t have to abide by the same regulations of decency, violence, adult language and sexual situations that comics have to. That being said, there is a lot of violence in this movie, a plethora of boobs, lots of foul language, a gang of hookers (literally), and enough indecent behavior to choke the FCC.

The visual style of Sin city (largely black and white) exactly matches the gully tone of the books written by Miller. This was something Rodriguez, who co-directed, co-wrote, co-produced, scored and shot the flick, wanted to preserve above all else.

Normally, focusing largely on the cinematography would compromise other aspects of the movie. Not the case with Sin City. The acting was top-notch, the writing was excellent, and outstanding direction by Rodriguez as always.

Bruce Willis plays Hardigan, the about-to-retire cop. Jessica Alba plays Nancy, the stripper. Mickey Rourke plays Marv, the trench-coat-wearing badass viginate. Elijah Wood plays the psycho ninja-like killer. Normally, I would give a more in depth synopsis, but I can’t come anywhere near doing the movie justice. Just see the movie, you’ll thank yourself ten minutes into the film.

Sin City earned $28.1 million last weekend, it’s opening weekend, making it the top grossing movie. Coming in second was Beauty Shop with $13.5 mil, and Guess Who took third with $13 mil.

For more on Sin City, read this article from CNN.com. CNN’s article is really terrific and makes me appreciate Sin City that much more. Even if you don’t go see Sin City, still read the article.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Why I Love the OC: Part 2

Like any other city in America, no matter where you go in LA you’ll see fast food restaurants everywhere. One restaurant, which is unique to the west coast, stands out from the rest. In-N-Out is possibly the greatest place for a burger, let alone the greatest thing ever. It is delicious and delectable. Eat at In-N-out as often as possible all the time. Your cardiologist will hate you, but you’ll be happy.

Another reason to love LA is the weather. I know I have ragged on the shitty, rainy weather, but the truth is that it’s sunny 99% of the time. From December to April, this is one of the best cities you could be in, as far as weather goes. The other day, I saw a kiddie pool filled with sorostitues in bikinis. Any given city in the Midwest, girls are still wearing jeans and not even thinking about putting on a bikini until they shave their legs for the first time since October.

I couldn’t mention LA without mentioning all the great tourist traps. Disneyland is one of the most popular attractions in the country. It’s not just a place for honeymooners and little kids, this place really is great. There’s a Star Wars “ride”, which is more of five minutes movie starring R2D2 and some stupid new robot, but it’s still alright. And of course, no visit to Disneyland would be complete without visiting It’s A Small World. The self-proclaimed happiest place on Earth is definitely worth checking out. Also, let me know if you know anyone that can get me into Club 33.

Hollywood is the most shallow, fake, superficial city in the world, which is why I like it so much. Just chillin in Hollywood is like you’re watching the most interesting reality TV show. Sit down at a restaurant and watch an agent get into an argument with his mistress over his cell. Walk down the street and listen to the two sluts behind you comment on how real their fake tits look. It's so fun to watch rich people be naughty!

Lastly, and most certainly not least, LA has a beach. I really don’t feel the need to elaborate any more on that subject. Beaches are good, and there are no beaches in Missouri. And Osage and the Lake do not count.

Yo, that’s all for now. I’m working on some pretty boring, nerdy updates so check back soon for that.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Why I Love the OC: Part 1 - The Bars

The bars here are terrific. One of the bars, called The Goat, is comparable to St. Louis’ Growlers. This place had about 130 beers on tap, and isn’t your typical LA bar. It’s not impossible to find, there are plenty of spaces in the parking lot (a rarity), and it’s not crowded in a shoulder-to-shoulder sense. Name aside, it's a great bar.

I couldn’t mention the greatest bars in LA without mentioning The 9-0. This place is the most popular bar on campus, and is only a couple hundred yards away from my front door. It’s only open Monday – Thursday, but that’s where all the sorostitutes go during the week, and if you stay there until closing time, you’re pretty much getting laid. With “2-4-1” deals before 10:00PM, you can’t afford NOT to go at least once a week.

This last bar sounds like teh ghey , but it’s really not. Bar Copa is located on Main in Santa Monica, and is one of those secret bars that doesn’t need to advertise that it exists. The only hint that there is a bar there is the bouncer sitting on a bar stool outside the front door. The entire front of the bar is black with no writing, so it looks like a closed up storefront. When you get inside, it’s very dark with nothing but a few candles lighting the closet-sized bar. It has the feel of a 70’s coke-bar, only without the disco music. I went there for St. Patrick’s Day, so there were lots of great drink specials and tramps. I normally don’t like bars that get huge crowds, but this one was still awesome.

Just for Sean, I’ll try to get some sorostitutes to pose for the site. Check back soon for more on why I love the OC!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Why I Hate the OC

It’s raining heavily again, and that means a sinking house and bitchin’ Subway deals. This city is just one disappointment after another.

Take for instance Venice Beach. I went there last week on Spring Break and there were absolutely zero hot sluts in thongs or g-strings. Granted it was a weekday, and it’s apparently better on the weekends, but there’s no reason I shouldn’t have seen at least one attractive female with her ass hanging out during SPRING BREAK.

My overall impression of the city can be summed up by my first day here. I was walking around campus, and some dude tried selling me speakers out of the back of his Chester van, then some other guy tried selling me watches while waiting for my food in Jack In The Box.

Onto music. The majority of people here listen to fake punk, and only fake punk. I wouldn’t be bothered by it so much, but for some reason people mistake this for good music. Wake up LA, just because it’s new doesn’t mean it’s good. There’s a guy that lives in my house that listens to nothing but Greenday all the time. He sings AND drums along with every single song. And he sucks at it. Also, he smokes out every night and is about as smart as a fucking stoned ass monkey. Guess what position he holds in the fraternity? I won’t say, but it’s about as obvious as you would think.

I wouldn’t tolerate this town if it weren’t for living right next to 3 different sororities, and seeing all the hot sorostitutes tanning and wearing slutty outfits all the time.

That’s all for now, check back soon for why I love the OC.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Ask any Irish person what St. Patrick’s day is about, and they’ll tell you that it’s about drinking and fighting. Nevermind the legends of the man that chased all the snakes out of Ireland with some magic stick, all the while sporting a green top-hat with a four leaf clover in one pocket and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

This is a day when people of all races, religions, and colors can come together to drink and fight, all in the name of some stupid leprechaun. I’m down with any holiday where it is perfectly acceptable to pinch some slut’s ass because she’s not wearing a certain color. I’m down with drinking green beer. I’m down with going to a parade in the early ass morning, and already being intoxicated.

The greatest thing about St. Patrick’s Day is you don’t even have to be Irish to celebrate it! Just grab a green beer, drink up, and enjoy the day. But it doesn’t have to stop there, the true spirit of St. Patrick’s Day can be observed every day of the year. So cheers to St. Patrick’s Day, drunkenness, the designated driver, and acute liver failure by the age of 30.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Deadwood Season 1 Review

Since Byron did a recent post on the original HBO series “Deadwood”, I thought I would review the first season.

The series is based on real people and uses creative liberties as little as possible. Deadwood was a real city, and a lot of the storylines really did occur. The first season is great, if for no other reason, because you can notice the change in Deadwood from the first episode to the last. Through an outbreak of smallpox, countless killings and assassinations, and plenty of whiskey drinking and poker playing comes a self government, complete with fire marshal, health inspector, and yes, even sheriff and mayor. However, the town is just as corrupt as it’s faux government.

Here’s a rundown of the main characters:

Wild Bill (an ex-law man and expert gunman)
His traveling companion Calamity Jane (a drunken nurse)
Seth Bullock (another ex-law man, hardware store owner, and new friend of WB)
Al Swearengen (owner of the Gem Saloon and whore house, and unofficial leader of Deadwood)
E.B. Farnum (the right-hand-man of Al and hotel owner)
Trixie (Al’s main whore)
Cy Tolliver (rival bar, casino, and brothel owner)
Joannie Stubbs, (Cy’s main whore)
Doc Cochran (who is about as qualified to be a doctor as I am. He mainly supplies Al and his whore house with lube and weekly check-ups).
Alma Garrett (widow that owns a boss gold claim)

Al Swearengen is easily the most likable character of the series, played by Ian (right), who won a Golden Globe for his outstanding portrayal of the dope, pussy, and whiskey-selling kingpin. Providing miners with alcohol, cunt, and drugs is what Al does best, and anyone that gets in his way ends up in a cheap wood box. He is so likable because though he orders the killing of what may seem to be innocent people, he convinces the audience that they all deserve what they get.

Another notable character is Wild Bill Hickok. WB is able to see trouble with 20/20 vision and gun down any fools stupid enough to mess with him, even before they have a chance to pull their gun from their holster. The best way to describe his personality is exactly like Al, only he isn’t concerned about money or pussy, just poker and getting drunk. One of the earlier episodes had a great scene where some random guy was mouthing off to WB, so WB called him a cunt more times than I could count. I can’t properly articulate how awesome the scene is; you just have to watch it.

Though season 1 DVD has no rating, it deserves M for mature, due to the countless “cock-sucker”, “mother-fucker” and “cunt” references.

I’ll give this season of Deadwood 4 / 5 Stars. The only reason it doesn’t get 5 is because at times it’s tough to translate the dialogue through all the cunts and mother fuckers and cock-suckers, and sometimes it moves a little fast. Or maybe I’m just a little slow. Either way, excellent show!

Monday, March 07, 2005

Top 10 Movies of the Weekend

Somebody please help me understand what the f is going on. “The Pacifier”, starring Vin Diesel grossed over $30 million this past weekend, which is a pretty impressive opening for a movie starring a homosexual male playing an FBI agent on a babysitting assignment.

The number two movie of the weekend was “Be Cool”, earning $23.5 million, staring John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Vince Vaughn, Duane “The Rock” Johnson, and Danny DeVito. I did hear, however, that the only redeeming quality of this movie came from The Rock’s performance, but I can’t fathom a world where this movie deserves to be second in any way to “The Pacifier”.

That shitty Will Smith movie, “Hitch”, is still hanging in there with $12.5 million for the weekend, taking the number 3 spot. Here’s the rest of the top 10 list, according to CNN.com

4. “Dairy of a Mad Black Woman” – $12 million
5. “Million Dollar Baby” – $8.5 million
6. “Constantine” - $6.0 million
7. “Cursed” – $3.9 million
8. “Man of the House” - $3.5 million
9. “Because of Winn-Dixie” – $3.5 million
10. “The Jacket” - $2.7 million

I will note that it is a shame and disgrace that “Million Dollar Baby”, the supposed Best Film of the Year, is earning less than one third of some shitty Vin Diesel flick. If I were Clint, I would pull that movie from the theaters out of embarrassment.

Also, has anyone seen “Constantine”? I don’t really want to go see it, but will probably rent it when it’s on DVD. I just want someone that has seen it to confirm that is in fact not a good movie.

Friday, March 04, 2005

Fox Sweeps the Sweeps

Every three months, national TV networks have what they call "sweeps", which last an entire month, to determine local advertising rates for the next quarter. This is the time when new seasons begin and old seasons end, and big plot twists occur in order to inflate ratings.

This past February marked the first time that the Fox network was ranked #1 among the national TV networks. The Super Bowl, American Idol, 24, and House are just some of the hit shows that Fox has to offer the target demographic of 18 - 49 year olds. However, if you take away the Super Bowl broadcast, Fox would have finished third.

NBC, which was once a #1 network, is now fourth. Thursday night, which NBC once monopolized, is down 15% compared to February 2004. Taking away the Grammies, Academy Awards, and Super Bowl, NBC would have finished second.

I will now rate the top shows that dominated the sweeps.

Academy Awards: ABC - 42.1 million viewers. The AAs are great, not because movies and actors are recognized for their greatness, but because celebrities say stupid things and dress slutty and fall out of their tops. I could really give less than 2 shits about who wins an Oscar, for me it's all about watching famous people giving speeches while totally inebriated, and it's fun watching rich people being naughty. 4/5 Stars.

24: Fox - Not in the top 10. 24 is a great show. Though commonly referred to as an evening soap opera, a more accurate genera description would be a comic book style drama. Jack Bauer is an agent for the Counter Terrorist Unit based out of Los Angeles. The events of the show occur in real time. I have never actually seen the show on TV, but I really enjoy it on DVD, because I can watch like half the season back to back. 4/5 Stars.

American Idol: Fox - average of 26.2 million viewers / episode. This waste of air time, hour-long abortion of a show should have never happened. What ever happened to EARNING a recording contract, and paying your dues by being a starving artist? Literally, only eating once a week and drinking gutter water until that fateful day when the talent scout sipping his $6 Starbucks and checking his stocks on his cell phone decides that the long haired cover artist screeching "Come Sail Away" deserves a seventeen record contract. 1/5 Stars.

Super Bowl: Fox - 86.1 million viewers. The game this year wasn't so good, but the commercials were alright. The half time show was definitely boss. I have a feeling the Fox executives were thinking, "Let's just have Paul McCartney play for 20 minutes, and it will be fucking great. No special appearances by Eminem or Britany Spears, just classic Paul." And yeah, that's right, I said the half time show was boss. 3.5/5 Stars just because the half time show was boss.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

WrestleMania 21 Matches and Predictions

Those of you who follow WWE most likely already know the matches announced for WrestleMania, which is the Super Bowl of wrestling, and those of you who don't follow it won't care, but I'm going over the matches announced thus far anyway.

HHH (World Heavyweight Champion) vs. Batista

This is big because there's the possibly that HHH will be doing the job (loosing cleanly) in back-to-back WrestleManias. Last year, Chris Benoit defeated him in the main event for his first ever Heavyweight title reign. If HHH does indeed go down (no homo) it would be huge (no homo again). My money's going on the Batista Man.

JBL (WWE Champ) vs. John Cena

I am looking forward to this match solely because it would put an end to a title reign that should have never happened in my and many other wrestling fan's opinion. JBL had no heat when he got the title; no personality, or charisma, and he wasn't even that great of a wrestler. Though I feel that he didn't deserve the title when it was given to him, I feel he has earned it since then, but that's no way to make a champion. Just leave the belt on him long enough, people will get use to the idea as he gets better. Lame. I am confident that Cena will leave with the gold. Cena's star is rising, and to not put the title on him would just be holding him back.

Kurt Angle vs HBK

This match definitely has "match of the year" potential. HBK is just phenomenal, and I feel he and Angle could have a match that rivals the Iron Man Match between HBK and Bret Hart. As a matter of fact, why not make it an Iron Man Match? Who do I pick to win? Who cares, the match will be awsome and the outcome really doesn't matter as long as the match meets my expectations.

The only not-a-match segment confirmed for the show is Stone Cold's return in an interview with "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. Stone Cold recently held a press conference with Vince McMahon and announced that WWE would be starting a film company, and Stone Cold has a 3 movie contract. I really don't think anyone should care about the interview at WM21, for one because his appearance isn't in a wrestling capacity. The other reason is that instead of having Stone Cold spout off his tired catch phrases for 10 minutes, there could instead be a wrestling match, which is why people watch WrestleMania.

No other matches are set, but Chris Jericho announced this past Monday on RAW that he is putting together a Ladder match with 5 other RAW superstars. Possible participants include Chris Benoit, Christian, Edge, Kane, and Ric Flair from the RAW brand, and Booker T, Rob Van Dam, Eddie Guerrero, Charlie Haas, Paul London, and Orlando Jordan from the SmackDown brand.

Also on RAW, Randy Orton hinted at a match with the Undertaker. Taker is the only active wrestler that Orton hasn't proven himself against. Last Wrestlemania, Orton beat Mick Foley, the hardcore legend, in a totally sick hardcore match (thumb tacks, tables, chairs, barb wire...). Here's the hook for this possible match, Taker has never lost a WrestleMania match in his 13 year history with the company. I have been a Taker fan ever since his debut, and I know a guy that went to high school with Randy Orton, so it'll definitely be a "mark out" (little kid in a candy store) moment for me. Plus, Orton is a natural in the ring, and combine that with Taker's veteran in-ring ability and knowledge, it should make for an excellent match.

WrestleMania is live on Sunday, April 3rd from the sold out Staples Center in Los Angeles, CA. Hopefully I'll get some scalped tickets, so if you or anyone you know has any extra tickets to the show contact me at wildbill384@yahoo.com

Monday, February 28, 2005

Academy Award Winners

Best Movie
Winner: Million Dollar Baby - Clint Eastwood, Albert S. Ruddy, Tom Rosenberg

Best Actor
Winner: Jamie Foxx - Ray

Best Actress
Winner: Hilary Swank - Million Dollar Baby

Best Supporting Actor
Winner: Morgan Freeman - Million Dollar Baby

Best Supporting Actress
Winner: Cate Blanchett - The Aviator

Best Achievement in Directing
Winner: Clint Eastwood - Million Dollar Baby

Best Original Screenplay
Winner: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Best Adapted Screenplay
Winner: Sideways

Best Achievement in Cinematography
Winner: The Aviator

Best Achievement in Editing
Winner: The Aviator

Best Achievement in Art Direction
Winner: The Aviator

Best Achievement in Costume Design
Winner: The Aviator

Best Original Score
Winner: Finding Neverland - Jan A.P. Kaczmarek

Best Original Song
Winner: Diarios de motocicleta - Jorge Drexler ("Al Otro Lado Del Río")

Best Achievement in Makeup
Winner: Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Best Achievement in Sound
Winner: Ray

Best Sound Editing
Winner: The Incredibles

Best Visual Effects
Winner: Spider-Man 2

Best Animated Feature Film
Winner: The Incredibles

Best Foreign Language Film
Winner: Mar adentro - (Spain)

Best Documentary, Features
Winner: Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids

Best Documentary, Short Subjects
Winner: Mighty Times: The Children's March

Best Animated Short Film
Winner: Ryan

Best Live Action Short Film
Winner: Wasp

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Rain in the OC

This is freakin ridiculous. It's been raining for a week straight. This is LA, it's not suppose to rain! I expect a city without a cloud in the sky, and what I get is nothing but rain at least twice a week. To the average mid-westerner this may sound stupid, but allow me to elaborate.

Buildings in this city were designed to stand the force of a 6.0 on the Richter Scale. Buildings in this city were NOT designed to be waterproof. Some buildings are over 100 years old and (including the one I live in) leak like a sinking ship. What is there left to do when you live in a leaking, flooding, sinking house? Get some alcohol and invite some sorostitutes over.

Not that this makes up for the crappy weather, but there is a pretty bitchin' deal at Subway, the "rainy day special", where they offer a footlong for the price of a six inch (no homo). By now, all the mexicans that work there know me on a first name basis.

The one thing that makes rain in the OC tolerable is that the girls dress just as slutty as when it is 90 degrees, God love 'em. Even if it rains every day while I am in LA, between waking up sometime in the afternoon, all the hot females, and all the alcohol I'd say I'm in a pretty good place. Jeez, it's like I'm in college again, except I get paid for it.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Well, I'm Stupid

I have been totally lazy for about a week. Writer's block has set in, and I have no idea what to post. Any suggestions? Post them in comments, and I'll do my best. I hope you all enjoyed the last update as much as flyno did.

One thing that I have been wondering about, is how the fuck did Will Smith's movie Hitch make over $45 million the opening weekend? Will Smith as a homosexual relationship consultant? Jesus, kill me.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Hot Sluts

Just because. Click on the pictures to be linked to a larger image.

Victoria Silvstedt is just plain hot, especially in lingere.

Pamela Anderson looking especially slutty. She's such a whore.

Jamie Pressly looking kind of skinny, but she's still incredibly hot.

Denise Richards. She's so hot right now. Denise Richards.

I don't know what it is about a hot asian female sucking on a cigar, it's just hot.

I'm going to be away for a while, so no updates until next week sometime. Word.