Thursday, September 01, 2005

One Degree Closer to Kevin Bacon

On the night of Tuesday August 30th, I was working at the Office Depot as usual. Just a typical slow night, stupid questions and stupid customers, nothing out of the ordinary. Then, a hurried, older, rotund man with a graying goatee strolled in about an hour before closing time, needing to buy a cell phone. Now any other time I would have talked the person out of it, because activating and selling a cell phone is always a bitch. But this case was very different.



As it turns out, this man was no other than Walter from “The Big Lebowski” and Dan from “Roseanne”, the man himself John Goodman! (He’s also the voice of Robot Santa from “Futurama”.) So everyone else is marking out, and he brushes them off as best as he can without being an asshole. I’m just trying to do my best to sell him a cell phone, which I hate doing, without messing up too bad. After all, he’s John fucking Goodman, and he could have me fired.

The whole process takes about an hour, because my dumb ass keeps messing up. Johnny signs up for the most expensive Sprint plan with all the extras EXCEPT the Sprint extended warrantee. After all, what does he care if his phone breaks, he’ll just buy a new one. Because he’s John f’ing Goodman.

He was real cool about the whole thing taking so long. What I don’t understand is why he was getting a cell phone when he already had one. For some reason that he didn’t get into, he needed another one because he couldn’t talk to his wife (or girlfriend, or whoever), who lives in New Orleans, on his existing phone. Therefore, I can only assume that she was caught up in the whole hurricane thing.

The whole thing was awesome, if for no other reason because John gave me twenty bucks, which will always make my day. Thanks John Goodman, hope your wife’s doing alright and I can honestly say that you made every employee’s and customers’ night, even that hot broad that you mildly sexually harassed when she was leaving the store right when you were coming in.

John Goodman – truly a good man…even while being harassed by crazy people and after being grossly overcharged for a cell phone and service plan.

6 comments:

Fitz said...

I ROOL THIS SKOOL

Anonymous said...

Where the hell did Uncle Cecil go?

Bill said...

I don't know about Uncle Cecil, but Cousin Cecil is doing just fine.

Anonymous said...

Check out my new website:
http://mywebsiteisbetterthanyours.blogspot.com/

I repo'd it from Foz

Fitz said...

and don't forget about my old parody site:

http://mywebbsiteisbetterthanyours.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I repo'd that one two. Sold it to some guy that lives in the Central West End.

Fitz.
Turn on the other option so I can post on your website. I forgot my password and I'm too lazy to create another one.