What Ever happened to These Hot Former Celebrities:

Teri Hatcher: This chick was famous most notably for her role in “Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman”. Before she landed that role, she cameoed in such hit TV series’ as “MacGyver”, “Seinfeld” (“They’re real, and they’re fantastic!”), “Tales from the Crypt”, “Quantum Leap”, “Night Court”, and “Frasier”.

But what has Teri done lately, besides a few commercials for cell phone companies opposite Howie Long? In 2001 the middle aged actress was in “Spy Kids”, and hasn’t done anything worthy of talking about until the crappy TV series “Desperate Housewives”, currently running on ABC Sundays at 9/8c.

Tea Leoni: I can’t think of a single female that made me more aroused when I was 13 than Tea Leoni. She had a couple chances to make a successful sitcom, first with “The Naked Truth” in 1995, then again when the show was resurrected but failed miserably. She has been in “Jurassic Park III”, “A League of Their Own”, and “Deep Impact”, but her biggest big screen appearance was her role as Julie Mott in “Bad Boys”.

Since then, Tea has done nothing of any importance. She has two movies in the works, “Spanglish”, and “Fun with Dick and Jane”. My advise to Tea; do as many movies while you still can, appear in Playboy (or Penthouse if they won’t take you) and whore yourself out to anyone that’ll bone you.

Larisa Oleynik: I don’t know why I had an infatuation with hot girls that were in Nickelodeon TV series’. Larisa starred in Nick’s “The Secret World of Alex Mack” as Alex Mack. One day walking home from school, some chemical truck crashed into her and gave her the super-human power of turning into water. Sounds gay, but I was 15 and had no life, so I watched every episode. She was also in “Boy Meets World” for a few episodes.

Larisa hasn’t done much of anything since then. She starred in “The Baby-Sitters Club”, was in “10 Things I Hate About You”, and had a stint on “3rd Rock from the Sun” as Alissa Strudwick, the girlfriend of Tommy Solomon. Here’s some advice for Larisa; try out for nudie magazines, then do porn.

Melissa Joan Hart: Another Nickelodeon alumni, Melissa Joan Hart is one of those Hollywood actresses that goes by her first, middle, and last name. Total mystery to me. Anyway, Melissa’s hit show on Nick was “Clarissa Explains It All”. Shortly after, she starred in a show on TGIF called “Sabrina the Teenage Witch”. In this show, Melissa was a teenager coping with her newfound witch abilities, and who is being raised by two lesbian witches. The hit series prompted several spinoffs, such as “Sabrina The Teenage Witch: Spellbound“(cartoon), “Sabrina Goes To Rome”, “Sabrina The Animated Series”, and “Sabrina Down Under”.

Other more recent projects that are non-Sabrina related are “Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker”, “The Voyage to Atlantis: The Lost Empire” as the host, “Not Another Teen Movie” as herself, “Child Star: The Shirley Temple Story” as the executive producer, and “Celebrity Blackjack” as herself.

I remember watching some made for TV movie starring Melissa, and she went into a bathroom, took off her shirt and showed the world her bra-covered tits. I thought, “Wow, she’s a slut. It’ll only be a matter of time before she gets nude and I have good me-time material for the rest of my teens.” Unfortunately, I was wrong.

Elizabeth Hurley: I would say that Elizabeth Hurley is the hottest worst actress in all of Hollywood. She consistently churns out crap movie after crap movie. One of the few things she has done that is decent is “Austin Powers” the first one. She was also involved in “Bedazzled”, directed by Harold Ramis, was actually pretty funny. This movie is about Hurley, as the devil, getting some random guy, Brendan Fraser, to sign his soul over to her for sever wishes. But every time he wishes for something, it turns out utterly chaotic.

Recent work by Hurley is horrible. “Serving Sara”, opposite Matthew Perry, aka talentless hack from “Friends”, is her latelest big-time movie. Same advise for her as Larisa Oleynik and Tea Leoni: nudie magazines, porn, or whore yourself while you’re still hot.

Tiffani Thiessen: Some of you may remember a little show called “Saved by the Bell”. I don’t, because I never watched it. Tiff played Kelly Kapowski in SBTB, and had a somewhat successful career after. She was in “Son In Law”, “Saved by the Bell: The College Years”, and “Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas” (she got married to Zach).

Then, her career slowed. She played Valerie Malone in “Beverly Hills, 90210”, and then did just about nothing. “From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money”, “The Ladies Man”, “Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth”, and “Two Guys, A Girl, And A Pizza Place”. Her resume reads like the obituaries. Advice: Stop making bad movies, there’s still time to pull your career out of the shitter.