Horri-Bill Awards Volume 3: Sports

Hello again, my bitches! The categories for this installment of the Horri-Bill Awards will be Worst Wrestling Angle, Worst Wrestler, Worst Athlete, and Worst Sport. I combined a number of categories (Worst Female/Male Athlete and Wrestler) due to lack of nominees. Without any further adieu, I give you the nominees!

Worst Wrestling Angle: Kane as the Lita rapist/husband/father, and Goldberg becoming stoppable. To kick off the Kane/Lita angle, Lita was awarded to Kane for a weekend in a match against Matt Hardy. It was later learned that Kane and Lita had boned, and as a result, you guessed it, the worst possible angle in wrestling developed: the pregnancy angle. After a few months, Gene Snitsky, a new wrestler at the time, made a name for himself by injecting himself in the pregnancy angle. He worked over Lita, resulting in a miscarriage. Sounds totally worthless? Just wait, because the next nominee rivals it step for step.

Goldberg was WCW's biggest draw, and was billed as being undefeated, and unbeatable. At the time, WCW was loosing in the rating wars to WWF. So what does the company do? Take the title off the biggest and most popular wrestler, and give it to a washed up has-been, Hulk Hogan. Hogan was the booker (guy that makes the matches and storylines) in WCW at the time, which explains why it was Hogan that Goldberg dropped the title to. Shortly thereafter, literally everybody had a chance to win the title, including David Arquette. WCW spiraled downward and eventually was bought out by WWF, soon to become WWE.

This is a very tough decision. One angle is partly responsible for the ruin of a company, and the other is a classic well thought out just plain bad storyline. After much thought and consideration, the winner of the Worst Wrestling Angle is The Beatable Goldberg! The fact that it was in part responsible for WCW's destruction has little to do with the reason why I based my decision. The main reason is because it was just a bad decision. If I had any kind of company, why would I demote my star employee? It makes no sense. It would be like if I owned a football team, and I had the best quarterback in the world, then benched him. Then put in David Arquette.

Next Category, The Nominees for Worst Wrestler: JBL, the team of Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty, and Jonathan "The Coach" Coachman. JBL is currently a WWE Champion, and has had the longest title reign since the height of popularity of Hulk Hogan. He's not necessarily a "bad" wrestler, but he never has a "good" match. Why, then has he held the most prestigious title on SmackDown? Your guess is as good as mine.

One thing I am sure of is that Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi have had the same gimmick for the past 7 years. Same wrestling, finishing, and dance moves as well. Also, the same sunglasses. I looked on the SmackDown Superstars page and was unable to find Rikishi, which means he probably doesn't work for the company anymore. I watch SmackDown very sporadically, but the last time I saw it there was fat ass and worm boy doing their thing. Any was you spell it out, these guys suck.

Another guy that sucks is Jonathan Coachman. When he started his WWF career, he was just another announcer The Rock made fun of. Then, he aligned himself with Eric Bischoff and began a feud against Jim Ross, Jerry "The King" Lawler, and Stone Cold. Nowadays, he's basically an announcer that has a feud with the other better announcers and is mad because he doesn't have their job. Most recently, he was duped into wearing a dress for an entire broadcast of RAW. Lame. He's a decent announcer, and should stay behind the mic and out of the ring.

Taking everything into consideration, the undisputed winner of the Worst Wrestler is JBL! Whenever I see this guy come on TV, I don't want to watch to see what he is going to say or what wrestler he will be feuding with next, I want to change the channel. Coach at least has some amusing storylines. Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikiski normally wrestle someone better than they are, so the match ends up not being a total loss. But to see the supposed leader of SmackDown wear a cowboy hat and a belt buckle bigger than the title is truly Horri-Bill!

Finally, Worst Athlete! The nominees are: Kobe Bryant and Barry Bonds. As we all know, Bryant is an accused rapist. Bonds is an accused steroid user in a season where he broke the single season home run record, among other seasons. Bryant is a mediocre player on a shitty team, and Bonds is an above average player on a decent team. This one is going to come down to humorous observations.

During Bryant's trial, he was seen fidgeting, looking at his watch, and A.D.D. like behavior. Why? He was nervous that he was going to miss his playoff games. So after each trial, he flew back to L.A. and played as shitty as he could. If I was on trial for raping a girl, I would be worried about more that a basketball game. Instead, I would be worried about my wife castrating me while I sleep.

Bonds' head looks like the Goodyear blimp. His fan base exists only in San Francisco, and every sports announcer's office. He had a baseball stadium built just to advance his stats. And lets NOT forget about the penile and testicular shrinkage as a result of the 'roids.

I'm not surprising anyone with my choice for the winner here. Winner by a landslide, Barry Bonds! I really don't have to explain why I choose him, it's pretty obvious, but I would like to remind everyone again that steroids can cause an overdose of testosterone, which can result in a shrinking of the penis and testes, and a seriously enlarged cranium.

The last award of the night is for the category of Worst Sport. The nominees are: Golf, WNBA, Cricket, and Hockey. Golf, where the only rules are no Jews and no blacks. I have played this shit before and it's just dumb. And I'm not just saying that because I suck at it. Hockey minus the contact and skill of ice-skating. If there's a sport that you can be totally drunk and still be as good as you are sober, that's not a real sport.

WNBA, the sport where there's a definite lack of dunking, but they make up for it with their good fundamentals. I remember the hype surrounding the WNBA prior to it's launch. It was going to be a defining moment for women's equality in sports. It delivered about as many ratings as Battlestar Galactica Forum.

Cricket is a very misunderstood sport. Not even I understand it, nor will I ever try. But I do know this, cricket sucks and only snaggle-toothed ugly British people would ever watch or play this pussy-ass "sport".

Hockey. I debated on whether this should be included, since it has already been nationally decided that this sport sucks. If anyone really liked hockey, it would still exist. What sucked about hockey when it did exist? The post-season was just as long as the regular season. Other than ice-skating, there was no real athletic ability required. There was no skill to the game, just random skating around and shooting the puck. No plays, just toothless football on ice, without the football.

Once again, this is a very tough choice to make. Each and every sport nominated deserves this award, but only one can claim the coveted Worst Sport. Golf is boring enough to earn this award every year until golf no longer exists, but in order to underscore the worthlessness of the winning sport, the award must go to Hockey! Even though hockey doesn't exist in a professional form in the United States, it eventually will find a way back to the states, mark my words. The only way to kill hockey forever in the states is to not watch it on TV, not watch any show that highlights hockey, and especially not attend any professional hockey events.

One more installment, which will be posted shortly. I will post the winners of the Golden Globes tomorrow, as well.