Horri-Bill Awards: Final Installment

The time we have all waited for is finally here. This final Horri-Bill Award installment will decide the Worst Actor, Actress, and Man and Woman of the Year! Onto the nominees!

Nominees for the Worst Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ashton Kutcher, Matt LeBlanc, and Brandon Fraser.

The aging, 30-year-old Leonardo DiCraprio started his career on Growing Pains. A few years later, he played that stupid guy in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Nothing really worthy of note until Romeo and Juliet. Haven't seen it, don't want to. Then of course, there is the blockbuster movie Titanic, where I wish he would have died within the first ten minutes instead of making me wait all three hours. After a few years of "waiting for the next big script", or as I call it, "continuing to wish you were someone else", Leo somehow lands a pretty big role in Gangs of New York, another three hour plus movie. Decent, but nothing remarkable. People think entirely too much of this guy. He's like Nelly's music. Why's it good? Because it's so good. Why's Leonard good? Because he hasn't done anything totally heinous yet. Plus, his name is Leonardo.

Ashton is borderline worthless. That 70's Show, undoubtedly the best thing he has going, is in it's last season. He has made many movies, but the big screen hasn't been too kind to him. Dude, Where's My Car?, Just Married, and My Boss's Daughter are some his flops. He does, however, have a slight hit, The Butterfly Effect. I was really surprised when I saw it, but it still ended up sucking the big one. The true surprise is, it didn't suck because of Ashton, it was the writing. Regardless, he has yet to do anything that has stood out as decent. Also, it is rumored that he has lied about his age to favor him two years younger.

Matt LeBlanc played the aspiring actor on Friends. The show in it's later years was inrolerable, just the classic formula sitcom. But there was a time when it was (hate to admit it) good. Not decent, good. I haven't seen his new show, Joey, but I also haven't heard anything good about it, even with the incredibly hot Drea de Matteo on the cast. He has done a few movies, also. The two Charlie's Angels, and Lost in Space most notibly. Matt is a shining example of the public being led to believe that mediocrity is excellence. Get this though, he made an appearance on Red Show Diaries AFTER he made it big on Friends! For those of you without Showtime, Red Show Diaries is a softcore porn series.

Brandon Fraser's resume reads like the obituaries. First of all, he played the same character in two movies, two very bad Pauly Shore movies: Encino Man, and Son in Law. Wait...there's more. Remember Blast From the Past? How about Monkeybone? I don't, because I have mentally blocked them. He has even played George of the Jungle. The most successful thing he can boast is The Mummy and The Mummy Returns. Bedazzled was good, but I'm the only person in the world that has seen that movie.

All things considered, the winner is clear. Leonardo DiCaprio just won a Globe for his role in The Aviator, and is very likely to get the Oscar as well, which made me want to at least give The Aviator a chance before I shot it down. Heh, play on words. For that reason, I have to give the nod to Matt LeBlanc for Worst Actor! This guy is just now peaking in popularity, and he's almost 40. How much longer can an actor with his own series pretend to be a struggling actor / available bachelor when he's damn near over-the-hill? Onto the next category!

Nominees for the Worst Actress: Angelina Jolie, Queen Latifa, and Sarah Parker (I refuse to use her middle name, like she's that goddamn important).

Angelina Jolie is hot. She's not such a good actress, and I for one am OK with that. She's been mainly in big action movies, but let's be honest, she would be better in the pROn. Gone in 60 Seconds, Tomb Raider and the sequel, and Sky Caption were her only movies of any box office success. Like I said, there's nothing wrong with being a niche actress as long as you realize it and keep to it. She needs to do less movies that don't show off her boobs, and more movies where she gets naked.

Queen Latifah. Where to begin. I really don't think I have to explain too much here, just list a few movies. Bringing Down the House, Scary Movie 3, The Cookout, Taxi, Barbershop 2, and soon to come The Beauty Shop.

Sarah Parker (quickly approaching 40), is most famous for her role in HBO's Sex in the City, and is very annoying. She has been in a couple very crappy movies, such as Mars Attacks! and The First Wives Club. I do find it hilarious that she is working on a movie called Life Without Dick. Anyway, I don't care about Sarah Parker or anything she has ever done. It's about time she gets naked on Sex in the City. What, she's too good to get naked when all the other sluts on the show have? Boooo! Though I've got a feeling that no one would actually want to see her naked.

The Horri-Bill Award for Worst Actress goes to Queen Latifah! Pretty much a brainless pick, just about as brainless as the movies she makes. And yes, I did take Chicago into account when deciding that she is the worst. One good movie does not make up for the rest of her worthless movies.

Due to a lack of nominations for Woman of the Year, the winner by default is Janet Jackson! Her booby popping out at the Superbowl has resulted in censorship overkill in television, movies, and radio. Her tit wasn't even that good looking. Makes you wonder how they are going to top that for this year's half-time-show...I hear Jenna Jameson is going to blow John Madden mid-field, and Pat Summerall will be having a homo 3-way with Brett Favre and Justin Timberlake.

The Nominees for Man of the Year are: Barry Bonds and Michael Moore.

We all know about Barry Bonds and the steroid scandal. His forehead is a the size of a house. That's all.

Michael Moore made a very bad movie called "Fahrenheit 9/11". I don't say it was a bad movie because I am a Bush supporter (I critisize the president regarless of his party affiliation, plus technically I guess I am Democrat), I say it because it was just a bad movie, even for a documentary. It had no flow, and kept jumping around. Read my review for more info.

After much consideration, the winner of the Horri-Bill for Man of the Year is Michael Moore! Basically, it came down to who is the bigger little-whiney-bitch. Bonds has kept his mouth shut about everything, and Moore has gone so far as to plan a sequel to his movie. Mike, you lost, get over it. The guy is 50, and trying to make his mark on the movie industry. Take my advice and download his movie instead of renting or buying it. After all, he urged people that weren't able to see it in the theaters to download it, just so he could get his message out. Also, download lots of Metallica songs just to piss off Lars.

That's all for this year's installment of the Horri-Bill Awards! If during this next year you think of any nominations for the 2006 Horri-Bill Awards, post it in the comments of the latest posting. Keep in mind, the time frame for the next nominations are from Jan. 1 - Dec. 31 2005.