Hollywood Update

Pirates is coming out with a sequel later this year, meanwhile the third in the series is filming. Directed by Gore Verbinski, the guy that did the original Pirates, I’m sure it will be a crowd pleaser and a box office success. It looks like rumors that Keith Richards playing a cameo as Depp’s father in either the sequel or the third in the trilogy are only rumors, as IMDB has not credited him in either movie. If you like the first then you’ll definitely like the second and third. Especially with the return of Keira Knightley, and the debut of Vanessa Branch.

The Sin City sequel is in pre-production, and is due out in ‘08. Frank Miller in a recent interview was asked if there’s a possibility of a third in the series, and he responded that he’s already in talks for a 4,5, and 6 in the series, as well as a TV series.

Andre; Heart of a Giant, a sports documentary, is due out shortly. Having actors portray pro-wrestlers (Terry Funk, Bruno Sammartino, and director/writer Drew Sky (who?) as Vince), it will almost assuredly be a flop, even among the loyal wrestling marks. An interesting note is that Matthew McGrory was slated to play Andre; he even did some filming, before he unfortunately passed away in August ‘05. Best knows for his role in Big Fish as the giant, he has also starred in House of 1000 Corpses (HB Winner), as well as the sequel The Devil’s Rejects, as Tiny.

Lastly, Seth MacFarlane, creator, writer, director, and voice of Family Guy is heading up a new project called Family Union, which will be a Family Guy family reunion. Most likely it will be the format of the other Family Guy movie, a three-part series of episodes.

That’s all for now. Read this article on CNN.com about a movie that documents the film rating process, it sounds like an interesting flick.

Sirius Reviewed

There are currently over 3 million Sirius subscribers. Cursing, commercial-free music, Howard Stern uncensored, and plenty of selection from bluegrass music to blue-collar comedy are all just a taste of what Sirius has to offer. What’s not to like?

If there is a downside to Sirius, it’s that there is too much content. I don’t think the average satellite radio subscriber is going to listen to sports, dance, country, christian, gay/lesbian, rock, and pop content. Essentially, you’re paying for services that you’ll never use. If Sirius had different packages for people that just want rock or Stern or rap, I think they would have a lot more subscribers, just like you have basic cable TV packages, and your extras like HBO and Showtime and Stars. Give people one-tenth the amount of the channels filled with content that is interesting and relevant to their life, and Sirius would be much more popular.

Of course, my review of Sirius would not be complete without mentioning the Howard Stern Show. Unlike many of the other channels on Sirius, the Stern show is NOT commercial-free (about 6 minutes an hour), just so everyone has time to get a quick breakfast or bathroom break, etc. Also, the acquisition of George Takei (Star Trek’s Captain Sulu) as the announcer of the Stern show is absolutely perfect. He fits into the show like a piece of an elaborate jigsaw puzzle, like he’s been in the studio with them for years. He’s a great addition to the show, even if he is only signed for the first week. A gay asian with a deep, soothing voice is pure entertainment (nh).

Something very smart that Stern has done for his west coast fans, and fans that aren’t able to catch his broadcast live the first time around (on Howard 100), is to pre-empt his show two hours later on his other channel (Howard 101). This means that for everyone that doesn’t wake up ungodly early, you can listen to the second playing and not miss out on anything. And if you still can’t catch either the live or pre-empted airing, there’s a replay at night.

Something that I find interesting about Sirius is the text that scrolls across the Sirius receiver. You get scores for sport events, the band name and title of the song that you’re listening to, and any message that the DJ wants to convey.

The verdict; Sirius is a very entertaining medium. No matter what kind of music I feel like listening to, I have an entire channel with nothing but that genre. Stern’s show is funny, especially with the new addition of vulgarity (I don’t care what anyone says, sometimes a joke is better with swearing), but it’s more or less a five minute bit then fifteen minutes of, “I can’t believe we just did/said that, we can do/say whatever we want here and no one can do anything about it!” Not to say that the show isn’t funny and entertaining, but I’m sure eventually Stern will find his groove.

Other things to consider; the cost of the receiver, cost of monthly subscription (or one time cost of the lifetime subscription), and possible poor reception if you live in the boonies or if it’s raining (at first I had very bad reception, but after putting the antennae outside it’s much better). All that being said, I give Sirius 4 / 5 stars!

It could be better if it didn’t have so much worthless content to me, and if I didn’t have to put the antennae outside to get a decent reception (better yet if the antennae was just like a cell phone antennae and could actually get reception inside a building). Also, the receiver I bought has no battery, so I can’t listen to it unless it’s plugged in. There are some receivers that have built-in batteries, but they are very expensive and you also have to buy either the home or the car kits.

Band Camp Review

NOTE: I'm very biased with this movie.

If you didn’t like any of the first three in the American Pie series, you definitely won’t like the latest installment. I can best describe Band Camp as Ernest Goes To Camp meets American Pie.

Here’s the jist; Matt Stiffler (Steve’s younger brother) is sentenced to attend Band Camp as punishment for a high school prank. To impress his older brother, he uses spy cameras and sleezeball tactics to take Girls-Gone-Wild-esk videos of the girl’s showers.

Directed by Steve Rash, this movie is at least as entertaining as the other A.P. movies. Something that brings a much-needed breath of fresh air to the series is the absence of the majority of the original cast members. That means NO Sean William Scott (he would have cost too much). After all, he’s been in a movie with The Rock, and that means that he’s good.

As usual, you can expect the normal A.P. gags, such as ingesting bodily fluids and humping inanimate objects. And watch out for the bearded guitar player in the campfire scene, it’s Chris Rash, my former-neighbor when I lived in LA. (By neighbor, I mean there was about three inches between my room and his, God love the 100 year old Fraternity house.)

You pretty much know what to expect going into this movie. It’s no comedic masterpiece, but it’s definitely worth checking out. Great one-liners, Eugene Levy is terrific, and call it my low-brow sense of humor, but I give this movie 3.0 / 5 stars!

By the way, tons and tons of naked Playboy Playmate titties.

Flu Vaccinations Are For Fat People!

Not too long ago, I got a weak little sinus infection that knocked me on my ass for about a week. But then, someone at my work said the magic words, “Are you loosing weight?” An idea popped in my head that is so genius, so revolutionary it will change the way people diet, exercise, and shed those unwanted pounds forever.

Every year, fat and fit people alike spend billions of dollars on pills, shakes, vitamins, and dozens of other products that promise miracle weight loss. People also spend billions inoculating themselves against the latest strains of the flu, the common cold, and other viral infections. This innovative and interesting new product is designed to help you shed those holiday pounds, all the while giving you all the benefits of an old-fashioned flu shot.

The product I am developing is called Tru-Flu, and here’s how it works. My idea is to inject people with an extremely dangerous and deadly strain of the same virus people are getting inoculated against, leaving them bedridden for days or even weeks. The basic idea is that when you have a cold, you feel like total crap, stay in bed, and don’t even feel like eating, thereby causing you to loose a ton of weight.

The key to my Tru-Flu shot is no exercise, just laying around all day while your butler, maid, spouse, or one of your parents (sometimes they’re all the same person, Alabama) waits on you!

I’m working on a book and DVD as well, which should be out in time for the holidays, so don’t forget about those last minute gifts!

I’m in the progress of inking a deal with a major drug company to make both a brand name and generic Tru-Flu shot, guaranteed to get you sick and loose five, ten, even twelve pounds in as little as one week! And if you can’t afford the generic, then just give me like ten bucks and I’ll spit in your mouth.

Greg the Bunny: Reviewed

Before you prejudge, read the article and then decide if this show is for you.

This show debuted on the Fox network back in 2002. The show stars Greg, an immature puppet bunny that is the main character of a children’s TV show, not that much unlike Sesame Street. Other puppets include; Warren the Ape (the Shakespearian British lush), Count Blah (the Romanian vampire), and Tardy the Turtle (the slow-minded turtle).

Regular human cast members include Eugene Levy as the dry-humored director for the children’s show, Sarah Silverman (hottest Jew I've ever seen, funny too) as the bitchy network executive, Dina Waters (aka Dina Spybey, also hot right now) as Dottie the ditzy slutty blonde on the childern’s show, Bob Gunton (best known as Warden Notron in Shawshank) as Junction Jack, the Vietnam vet. NRA train conductor for the children’s show, and lastly Seth Green as Eugene’s son and the Assistant Producer (aka coffee gopher).

Crossdressing, lesbianism and gayness, puppet racism, and Hollywood politics are some of the topics this show tackles, all with a witty and fresh comical outlook.

You will enjoy this show if you’re a fan of Seth Green or Crank Yankers. You will not enjoy this show if you don’t like puppets and adult oriented humor.

As with any other show or movie, if you don’t have any expectations for it, you will be at very least satisfied, maybe even slightly enjoy yourself. 3 / 5 Stars!

NOTE: Here’s how my rating system works, 0 – worthless, 1 – really sucks, 2 – below average, 3 – average, 4 – above average, 5 – perfect.

Da Ali G Show Season 1: Reviewed

Yo check it, this is a terrific show on HBO, starring Sacha Cohen, an over-the-top British comedian. It’s been on the air for about five years, and despite it’s hilarity, HBO has never really pushed or heavily promoted the show.

Here’s the jist; the show consists of three different characters (all portrayed by Sacha). Ali G, the main character, is a clueless British gangster. Ali G’s trademark has to be his disgusting attire, the gaudy gold necklace, dew-rag, yellow running suit or matching basketball jersey and shorts, sunglasses, and huge gold rings on every finger. He uses his character’s mindlessness to annoy and confuse his interviewees into saying the stupidest things. Newt Gingrich, Buzz Aldrin, Donald Trump, James Lipton, Andy Rooney (the best interview ever!) and many other famous peeps have been stupefied by his ignorant yet extremely entertaining and witty commentary. A womanizer, occasional weed smoker, and extreme homophobe, he’s everything you would expect of a British bellend.

Bruno, the gay German fashion correspondent, is probably the least funny of the three, which is still saying a lot. His role in the show is to explore the superficiality and vanity of Americans. Bruno definitely looks the part, his highlighted Mohawk and tight designer shirts and jeans are absolutely fabulous. While Bruno doesn’t ever interview any A-list celebrities, he interviews plenty of A-list imitators and supporters such as aspiring fashion designers, club owners, stylists, runway models, and Hollywood critics. Basically, he exposes how phony and outlandish the “new money” upper-classers can be.

The other character is known as “Borat” (pictured above), the Khazigstani reporter. Sporting a mustache that would make even Underwood wince with jealousy, a puffy Ishtar-like fro complete with mild upper-forehead-balding, and a horrible suit that hasn’t been washed in five years, Borat travels America in search of the most racist, prejudice, and backwater folks. Somehow he gets interviews with these idiots, and has even suckered one poor sap that was running for office to admit that he believes all Jews are going to Hell because they don’t believe in Jesus. In my opinion, his most entertaining segment has to be where he goes to a hole-in-the-wall southern karaoke bar, and sings a song he wrote called “In My Country There Is Problem”.

It should be noted that though Sacha pokes fun at Jews a lot, I’m pretty sure he’s Jewish himself. The real comedy in Da Ali G Show is the reaction of his interviewees and crowds, his ability to manipulate and twist their responses into something totally different from what was intended and watch them try to worm their way out of it.

As I said, this is an excellent show, but the episodes only average 30 minutes. On HBO there is so much more expected, it seems like a waste to have a series that is less than an hour per episode. Overall, it is hilarious and entertaining, and I guess that’s all that matters. My review; 3.75/5.00 Stars!

Futurama News!

It has been rumored for more than two years, but now it seems pretty much confirmed; Futurama is back!

The only question that remains is, in what capacity? It will either be brought back as a TV series, or as a movie, the later of the two being the more likely choice. If it is revived as a movie, it will probably be a straight-to-DVD release, and most likely a three-episode format, just like the Family Guy movie.

The Futurama project has a tentative release date of sometime in 2007, with very few other details available. All the major voices (Bender, Leela, Fry, and Zoidberg) are apparently committed to the project, but all you really need is Billy West, who has apparently done every cartoon voice ever.

Oz Season 1 Reviewed

The first HBO original series, which debuted in 1997, set in a maximum-security prison, follows the inmates of Emerald City, an experimental cell block that is designed to rehabilitate prisoners and prepare them for a healthy and productive life after their sentence is served.

This show has everything you would expect of a real prison; drug (aka tits) trafficking, guard corruption, murder, aryans, muslims, jews, athletes, blacks, whites, italians, and lots of fags and gay raping. The inmates of Em City are there for crimes ranging from selling drugs to murder, and are serving sentences ranging from a few months to many consecutive life terms without the possibility of parole. From cop killers to cannibals, this show has everything.

What makes the show especially interesting is that it’s narrated by a black wheelchair-bound inmate. This unique prospective from someone that is an Em city veteran as well as being handicapped provides the audience with a point of view that you normally wouldn’t think about.

In my opinion, the most interesting storyline of the first season revolves around a new inmate named Tobias Beecher, a middle class middle-aged white guy with the worst luck in the world. He would up in Em City because he got drunk and drove into a little girl riding a bike. Watching him adapt to prison life and getting pushed around is easily the most entertaining sub-plot of the show.

I would say more about the other storylines, but for those that haven’t already seen it I don’t want to spoil the entire season. If you can get past the very frequent male nudity, this show is excellent. There are subtle religious and social undertones that parallel aspects of life outside the walls of Oswald Maximum Security Correctional Facility. The beginning of an empire for HBO and their original series’, and a terrific show with great acting, writing, and direction. Definitely check out season 1 of Oz. My rating, 4.5 / 5 stars!

Sirius Radio: The Case For and Against

Inspired by Fitz’s recent article about Stern moving to Sirius, here’s a point by point argument for if satellite radio is worth it, or not.

1: Commercial Free – Although Stern has admitted that he will have a few commercials, just so he can have time to set up segments, every other satellite radio channel is commercial free. Worth the cost of $13 a month, maybe.

2: The Talent – For the housewives, Martha Stewart. For the rest of us, Stern and his sidekicks. I do agree with Fitz in that Artie is the best part of the Stern show. I don’t think, however, that Artie will leave the Stern Sirius show. His Hollywood career pretty much reads like the obituaries, and I don’t think many other opportunities will present themselves for Artie. And that’s not a bad thing, because he’s great on Stern’s show. Is the talent worth the monthly subscription, probably not.

3: The Channels – Over 120 channels of any kind of music you would care to listen to; pop, rap, rock, christian, jazz, blues, classical and more. Also, sports, news, live performances, talk, traffic, weather, even religion and family programming. Worth the monthly subscription, probably.

4: The Hardware – The bad news is you have to buy the receiver. The good news is that all the receivers have built-in FM transmitters, which means you can take the receiver between your car and home stereo, and if you have a media center computer you can record the FM transmittions of Sirius broadcasts. Also, some of the receivers have internal memory, so you can record up to 44 minutes, rewind and fastforward the live broadcasts from the receiver. Also, there’s a special sport receiver that delivers scores for any college or professional sport to the display on the receiver. Is the receiver worth the money, definitely maybe.

5: The Monthly Subscription – This is what it all comes down to. Though the first three aren’t deal makers or breakers by themselves, when you take them all into account it’s a pretty sweet package. Is it worth the money, in my opinion, yes. There are a few plans in addition to the $13 monthly subscription. There is a 1 year plan for $143 (1 month free), 2 year plan for $272 (3 months free), and a lifetime plan for $500 (lifetime of 4 receivers, not your entire lifetime).

I hate to make this seem like an ad for Sirius, but in my opinion Sirius is worth it. Even without Stern and his sidekicks, you still have tons of content at your disposal whether you’re in the car, at home, at work, or anywhere else.

I stayed away from the cable TV analogy because at this point it’s cliché and isn’t really even valid. People are more comfortable paying for something they can see, as opposed to something they are just going to listen to. If you’re still not sure if you’re ready to take the Sirius plunge, check out their site for a free online trial (no credit card required).

Adam Sandler: The Definitive Review

The following are all the movies and projects that involve Adam Sandler in some way, be it acting, directing, producing, or writing. I will only review movies and projects that I have seen. All ratings are out of 5 stars, 5 being a perfectly entertaining and funny movie with a good story and good acting, and 0 being 90 minutes of a jar of mayonnaise.

The Longest Yard – Despite the abundance of big names, this is a pretty decent flick. Set in a southern prison, Adam Sandler plays the unlikely ex-football player that leads the inmates in an Inmate vs. Guard football game. The only real bad part of this movie that sticks out in my memory is Stone Cold as the asshole racist cop that loves to use “the N word” like it’s going out of style. It doesn’t add to the story, it’s just disturbing and out of place. Despite other flaws, 3 / 5

50 First Dates – A decent Sandler/Barrymore movie, the hook being Barrymore as the girl who can’t make new memories ever since a car accident, so Sandler has to find a wacky, creative way to meet and woo her every day. The walrus in this movie is hilarious. Not the over-the-top vomit scene, just the fact that there’s a walrus in the movie. 3.5 / 5 Stars.

Anger Management – Sandler, after an accidental fight with a stewardess, is ordered to undergo radical 24 hour therapy with a famous psychologist, Jack Nickolson. Classic Jack, and everything you would expect from Sandler. 3.5 / 5 Stars.

Eight Crazy Nights – Cartoon about a humbug Sandler trapped in a small town during the winter holiday season. Don’t bother with this one, just watch grass grow or Fitz eat a taco. 0.5 / 5 Stars.

Mr. Deeds – Sandler is a small town pizza chef, and finds out that his rich uncle has died and inherits all his riches and companies. When he comes to New York to claim his billions, he soon finds out that there’s no staying out of the public eye. John Turturro is very entertaining, and his performance alone is worth watching Deeds. 3 / 5 Stars.

Little Nicky – As the son of Satan, Sandler tries to stop his other two brothers from turning Earth into another Hell. Special appearance by Bubbs. Pretty funny, but I would have to kill myself if I didn’t give this movie 1.5 / 5 Stars.

Big Daddy – Undoubtedly Sandler’s best movie. An out-of-work lawyer, Sandler illegitimately adopts a child to impress his girlfriend, just in time to learn she’s boning a grandpa. There’s nothing I can say that will do justice to this movie, if you haven’t seen it, or haven’t seen it in a while then get to a video store or head to Netflix.com and get it. 5 / 5 Stars!

The Waterboy – Another sports movie, starring Sandler as the southern hick that is waterboy for State University’s football team. Sandler realizes his potential as a football player, and against his mom’s wishes, plays the football. Go ahead and waste your time unless you have a real movie you want to watch, 2 / 5 Stars.

The Wedding Singer – The other Sandler/Barrymore flick, this time taking place in the eighties. Barrymore is engaged to some prick, and Sandler falls in love with her. All around, a very good situational comedy. 4 / 5 Stars

Bulletproof – Co-starring Damon Wayans, felon Sandler gets arrested, and he and Damon have to run from the drug lord that Sandler worked for. This movie is one of the worst movies possibly of all time and maybe even the world. 0.5 / 5 Stars

Happy Gilmore – The hockey wanna-be turned golfer, Sandler plays the PGA tour so he can earn money to buy back his grandmother’s house. Chris McDonals is the perfect villain, playing Shooter. 4 / 5 Stars

Billy Madison – The heir to the Madison hotel chain, Billy slothfully lives out his life getting boozed up with his friends until one day, to prove to his father he’s not totally worthless, Billy goes back to every grade of primary education. Classic. 4 / 5 Stars.

Airheads – Very dated, not funny, Sandler plays a band member that hijacks a radio station to get their song played on the air. 0 / 5 Stars.

There are some other movies of note that I haven’t seen, such as Spanglish, Punch-Drunk-Love, and Going Overboard. All of these are horrible, I’m told. He has also been involved in some other decent stuff, like both Deuce Biggilos and a couple David Spade movies and comedy specials (not Take The Hit). Overall, Sandler has been in more decent movies than bad ones.

Why Hockey is Hated

If you’re a smart sports fan, or have a single drop of good taste, then it’s very likely that you’re an avid hockey hater. Why do so many people hate on a game (not calling it a sport just yet) that has such a rich history and popular following in other parts of the world?

Lets take several things into consideration. Hockey is a very physically demanding game. Although it’s really really fucking gay for grown men to be skating around for a living, it takes a lot of conditioning, endurance, and toughness to get knocked around the way these guys deserve to.

One reason why so many people despise watching hockey on TV, listening via radio, or paying to see in person is the sheer randomness of the game. The puck is difficult to follow in person or at home. The goals are often scored by accident or done so without a goaltender. How many times have you seen a baseball game where a homerun happened after all three outfielders deflected the ball over the fence? That’s every hockey game.

The other big reason hockey is the red-headed step-child of all sports is because the seasons are 7 months long (end of September to end of April), and that’s not including the postseason. There are as many as 5 days between games, plus there’s a 3 week long Olympic Break. No wonder the masses have the attention span of a 4-year-old on speed when it comes to hockey. People are oversaturated with hockey for like 11 months a year, and the one month off is spent talking about the next season.

Lastly, ten years ago hockey was very different. Fights were considered commonplace and part of any hockey game. Now, the game is so watered-down and pussified the fights are broken up! Just like the crap cheesy porn flicks that air late-night on USA with all the boobage edited out, hockey has lost the only thing I ever wanted to see.

It’s no surprise that the target audience for hockey are stupid, toothless hicks, because the very athletes that play hockey are just as toothless and stupid after years and years of blind-sided side-checks. Also is hockey even played? It just doesn’t sound right. Play hockey. Wrestling isn’t played, it’s wrestled. So is hockey hocked, or is it played?

So there’s no question that hockey totally sucks, the only question that still stands is if it is indeed a sport. I believe that it’s a lot like golf, a game that can’t be won or lost, just played, except golfers are way cooler and a lot less homo. Therefore, I declare that hockey is not a sport. By far, the hardest part of being a hockey player is the skating. And I think we all know the hardest part of being an ice-skater; telling your dad you’re gay.

One Degree Closer to Kevin Bacon

On the night of Tuesday August 30th, I was working at the Office Depot as usual. Just a typical slow night, stupid questions and stupid customers, nothing out of the ordinary. Then, a hurried, older, rotund man with a graying goatee strolled in about an hour before closing time, needing to buy a cell phone. Now any other time I would have talked the person out of it, because activating and selling a cell phone is always a bitch. But this case was very different.

As it turns out, this man was no other than Walter from “The Big Lebowski” and Dan from “Roseanne”, the man himself John Goodman! (He’s also the voice of Robot Santa from “Futurama”.) So everyone else is marking out, and he brushes them off as best as he can without being an asshole. I’m just trying to do my best to sell him a cell phone, which I hate doing, without messing up too bad. After all, he’s John fucking Goodman, and he could have me fired.

The whole process takes about an hour, because my dumb ass keeps messing up. Johnny signs up for the most expensive Sprint plan with all the extras EXCEPT the Sprint extended warrantee. After all, what does he care if his phone breaks, he’ll just buy a new one. Because he’s John f’ing Goodman.

He was real cool about the whole thing taking so long. What I don’t understand is why he was getting a cell phone when he already had one. For some reason that he didn’t get into, he needed another one because he couldn’t talk to his wife (or girlfriend, or whoever), who lives in New Orleans, on his existing phone. Therefore, I can only assume that she was caught up in the whole hurricane thing.

The whole thing was awesome, if for no other reason because John gave me twenty bucks, which will always make my day. Thanks John Goodman, hope your wife’s doing alright and I can honestly say that you made every employee’s and customers’ night, even that hot broad that you mildly sexually harassed when she was leaving the store right when you were coming in.

John Goodman – truly a good man…even while being harassed by crazy people and after being grossly overcharged for a cell phone and service plan.

Honorary Horri-Bill Award Recipient

The King of Modern-Day Horror Movies

Wes Craven has made some of the greatest horror, thriller, and scary movies of the past thirty years. Scream, Nightmare on Elm Street, Swamp Thing, People Under The Stairs, and Scream 3 are among his best. Unfortunately, unless you’re a true Craven fan, or you have Horri-Bill taste in movies, that’s where the good list stops.

People credit Wes for starting the Freddy empire, which kick started the horror movie genera in the US back in 1984. What people don’t realize is that every other movie in the series sucked, and that Wes was involved either in either writing or directing the rest of the series up until the 7th movie New Nightmare, in which Freddy came to life during the making of another Freddy movie to extract revenge against the cast and crew for killing him off in the previous Freddy movie.

That travesty aside, some of Craven’s movies have been decent. I’m sure everyone has seen at least one Craven movie that they would call great, but not everyone has had the opportunity to see his sub-par work. So, here’s a list and summary of some Craven movies that have flown under public radar.

Scream 2: The inevitable sequel, which is never as good as the original. Sadly, an overlooked part of the trilogy in which Sidney Prescott goes off to college and lands herself a frat boy boy-friend. The ending is about as plausible as my ass birthing a monkey, but that’s no reason to not see this movie.

Dracula 2000 (aka Jackie 2000): Three words – Hot Vampire Bitches! The soundtrack is terrific, and the movie is surprisingly decent for a new-age Drac movie. Basically, Dracula awakens after being stolen by some dumb British safe crackers looking for a big payday, and ends up in the middle of Mardi Gras. If you have general knowledge from the bible, then you’ll know the necessary stuff to understand the intricacies of the big “Oh, I get it” moment at the end. Definitely a must see for a vampire-movie-buff.

A Vampire In Brooklyn: Eddie Murphy stars in very different new-age Drac movie, this time a comedy. Eddie plays Dracula, who is looking for a mate to start anew the vampire race. Along the way, some wise-ass cop gets smart to Eddie’s ways and sticks his nose where it doesn’t belong, making for a very confusing and stupid ending. Nonetheless, if you’re either a Wes or Eddie fan, especially Ed's stand up specials, check it out.

Freddy vs. Jason: Watching this movie is like watching a train wreck into the White House while orphaned children are touring it, and slitting your wrist with a chainsaw all the while. There are a few funny moments, but if you’re looking for comedy, turn to Ben Stiller. The plot is as such; Freddy decides that he needs to make a comeback, but needs Jason’s help to do so. The unholy duo have many cool fight sequences, but the ending is as confusing as any other Freddy or Jason movie. I would compare it to Jason X, so beware!

Basically, Wes Craven should be regarded as a man that has made a few great movies, a few more decent movies, and many Horri-Bill movies. Though he is responsible for giving some current Hollywood stars their big break (mainly Johnny Depp), overall he deserves the first ever honorary HB Award, heretofore refered to as The Craven!

Thanks to all that made nominations for this round of the HB Awards. Keep the nominations flowing throughout the year, and before you know it January will be here and it will be time for another round!

BTW One More Awesome post coming very very soon!

Horri-Bill Awards - Round 3

This will be just a real quick post to wrap up the final winners before the last award is given. No pictures, no long, amusing analysis of the nominees.

Congeniality Award: Miss Congeniality 2

Sport
Hockey and NASCAR
Two equally bad sports, if they can so be called. One consists of guys ice skating in circles for an hour, the other consists of guys driving around in a circle for an hour. Also, car racing is so extreme it’s acronym needs to be in all caps.

Hands down, the winner is Hockey. A year without hockey, and now it’s coming back. Just like a bad rash below the waist line that you thought was gone, then one day you’re in the shower and find out it’s back, and it’s pissed. That’s hockey.

Music
Coldplay and Greenday.
Call me the antichrist, but I just don’t listen to Coldplay, or Dave Matthews. If I wanted to listen to elevator music, I’d spend my life in the Empire State building. And Greenday I have elaborated on before many times, but to quote myself, punk had it’s heyday, and that was the 1970’s and early 1990’s.

Easily, the winner is Greenday. Clearly, they are the reason for the punk revival of the new century. People have been led to believe that with music, meritocraty is excellence because of Greenday. “That song is great” has turned into “That song is tolerable”. I proclaim from now until the day I die that Greenday is the worst, most overplayed band of the new century.

Wrestler
Gene Snitsky vs. Viscera
Crazy cracker steroid freak up against fat black pimp with a platinum mow-hawk. Snitsky has attacked a “pregnant” woman, causing her to loose her baby, and Vis is just a boring character wrestler that doesn’t even get TV time anymore. I choose…Snitsky. For no good reason, just because he looks like a guy that’s been roided out for years, and has been growing his chin pubes since he started shaving.

Don't forget to post your nominees all year long in the comments section. New great post coming in 24 hours!

Horri-Bill Awards: Round 3 - Worst Man and Woman

Tom Cruise: See previous post. Still on the kill list.

Mike Jackson: A child-molester, a Catholic Priest, and Mike Jackson walk into a bar…six months ago this would have been just another line in Leno’s shitty monologue, but now it’s front-page news. What’s even more amazing is people are shocked that Mike is getting sued for playin with boy’s asses. He has been doing this since the 80’s, people! Am I the only one that remembers all the out-of-court settlements and law suites this guy has been through? It was all over the news back then, and nothing has changed. Mike, take a cold shower and some zanex and quit raping cute 12 year old boys!

Winner…even though there’s no real winner here, because the two nominees are most likely certifiablely insane, the more ridiculous of the two is by a nose (job) Mike Jackson! Twenty years of raping ten year olds beats out publicly announcing your faith in a silly Godless religion, in my opinion.

Woman

Oprah: Rumored to have thrown a big bitch-fit when she tried to get into a jewelry store after hours and they wouldn’t let her in, because they were closed. Confirmed to have sent her personal assistant while she was on jury duty to get her a special veggie burger instead of the crappy cafeteria food everyone else had to eat. The so-called Queen of all Media, not censored by the FCC because she’s “sacred”. Fat, skinny, in-between, always a bitch.

Katie Holmes: See previous post. And I’d still do her.

Winner is: Oprah! Yeah, she’s the queen, but she’s the queen of things that don’t matter and aren’t entertaining. She should crawl under a rock, die, or go bankrupt. And no, I wouldn’t do her, under any circumstances. I WOULD marry her, but only for a few minutes so I could divorce her and make an easy million dollars from the settlement.

Only a couple more rounds left; Sports, TV, and a special Honorary HB award will be given. Check back soon!

Horri-Bill Awards: Round 2 - Worst Movie

The Pacifier: Vin Diesel is a rogue FBI agent that plays by no one’s rules, except his own. After botching a very important assignment involving Osama Bin Laden, the Queen of England, and ninety kilos of pure, undetectable cocaine, he is reassigned to baby-sit some ratty screaming kids. This movie is about on the same level as that made up sitcom from Seinfeld, where Jerry gets rear-ended by some guy without insurance, so the judge sentences the guy to be Jerry’s butler (Vin would play the butler.) And remember, this loose cannon plays by no one’s rules. Not even his own.

Electra: Taking place before the popular and Horri-Bill worthy Daredevil, this movie stars the beautiful Jennifer Garner. The once assassin turned softie finds herself smack dab in the middle of a moral dilemma; kill the people she was hired to kill, or protect them and be killed herself by wizards from the future and robotic ghosts. Electra is hunted by a guy can make tattoos jump off his body and take form of animals, such as snakes and tigers. If I had that badass power, I would make an alpaca, or even one of these jump out of my skin.

Hitch: Will Smith leads in this, the fifth highest grossing movie of the year (vomit). Also starring in this monstrosity is Kevin James (The King of Queens) and Eva Mendes (extremely hot). Smith plays a gay matchmaker, teaching James the ropes of dating, dancing, and other social necessities. It might as well have been called “Queer; The Movie” or “Lets Gag America”.

The Winner is: Hitch! Something that is so bad that made so much money deserves to be singled out as by far the worst movie thus far in 2005. Please, don’t ever buy, rent, even download this movie. You’d just be wasting valuable bandwidth that could be used for pron viewing.

Horri-Bill Awards: Round 1 - Worst Actor and Actress

Worst Actor Nominations:

Tom Cruise: Nominated not just because he is a terrible actor, but because he is so overrated and continues to make crap, and obviously because of his ridiculous comments made on modern-day medical techniques, his stupid religion, and his actions on daytime TV. I have also been instructed to end his worthless life should he mess up one more time. So watch your back, hippie, because you never know when I could get that call.

Ice Cube: Known for his great roles in “xXx State of the Union”, “Torque”, “Barbershop”, “Ghosts of Mars”, and “Anaconda”. There’s no other way to explain how I feel about Cube’s movies than this - they give me explosive diarrhea. Cube, you need to get away from the camera and back behind the mic.

Winner of Worst Actor: Tom Cruise makes me nauseous, and question if there is indeed a God, but there’s nothing worse than having an extreme case of liquid poo. Ice Cube, you win, but we all loose.

Worst Actress:

Katie Holmes: Guilt by association. If some dumb Hollywood bimbo sleeps with Tom Cruise for long enough, she’s going to start believing his propaganda. She’s been brainwashed and is now considered dead to me. But I’d still do her (unless she was legally dead, then I wouldn’t).

Due to a lack of other nominations, the only nominee and winner of Worst Actress is Katie Holmes! Maybe Cruise and Holmes will do some cute “I Love You” movie together to help pay for their wedding, or maybe they’ll break up long before they get a chance to divorce eachother. Either way, it’s sure to be entertaining.

Check back soon for another round of the Horri-Bill Awards, bitches!

HOLY SHIT!

Howard Stern Fired

I wake up every day at 6:00AM and expect the Stern show to be playing, amusing me as I get ready for work. What do I hear instead - some disclaimer saying that Howard Stern, the original shock jock, the king of the radio, has been terminated, and David Lee Roth, “the new Jew”, is replacing him as of today.

And after listening to only 15 minutes of Roth’s new show, let me be the first to blog that it is absolutely worthless. This guy is about as entertaining as a wet stuffed animal.

I’m not necessarily a Stern fan; he generally doesn’t know what he’s talking about and can be very bitchy. But the guy gets stupid girls to strip down to their birthday suits in order to get money for titty implants, and so many more incredible things that if I were to try I know I’d get arrested.

Also, without a doubt, Artie is the funniest person on the show and was the reason I started listening and tuned in almost daily.

Stern’s move to Sirius satellite radio has been hyped for well over either months now, and though he will definitely take some time off before starting his new job I’m sure the show will be the same good old show.

Sony vs. Apple

Sony has finally re-entered the market of personal music players for the first time since 1979. Back then, the “Walkman” revolutionized how people listened to music utilizing the audio cassette.

The new Walkman has overtaken Apple’s iPod in Japan for two months in a row, making it the most popular portable music player in the biggest market in the world. However, the only advantage Sony has in Japan that it doesn’t have in the US is that iTunes doesn’t exist in Japan, as it does in Europe and the US.

Apple’s popular iPod has the capability to play downloaded songs from the popular iTunes service, mp3s, and other popular audio formats, as well as the capability to be broadcast over short range FM transmission to either your car or home stereo, or to your blog so other dorks can hear your songs.

Assuming Sony will include the same features for the new Walkmanas Apple does with it’s iPod, with the obvious exception of iTunes compatibility, the question is raised; which portable music player will come out on top, or will there even be a significant impact with the introduction of Sony’s new Walkman at all?

My prediction is that with the popular Sony brand name, as with any other Sony brand name product, the new Walkman digital music player will be overpriced, yet comparable to Apple’s iPod. As overpriced as it may be, Sony will most likely offer incentives to switch from the iPod to the new Walkman, rumored to have it’s own digital download service by the time of a US release (likely to be either Sony based or some other popular service, such as Napster). Mail-in-rebates, free websites (ala freeiPod.com) and subliminal three pronged advertising (subliminal, liminal, and super-liminal) are sure to play a part in Sony’s marketing campaign as it gears up for it’s new era.

PS - Submit entries for the HB Awards or it will surely be a boring contest.

Tom Cruise; Walkin a Thin Line OR I’m Back.

I’m sure everyone is aware of Tommie’s recent hijinx. I’m also sure everyone’s aware of how big a doosh Tommie is. And if you check Fitz’s site, then you’re also aware that if he makes one more slip up, I have an official contract out to kill Tom Cruise. So I’m going to take this opportunity to write my manifesto on good ol’ Tom Cruise.

Listen up, chief, because these may very well be the last words you ever read. Girls say that you’re so cute and hot (nhjic), but after seeing you without a shirt on in one of your crapshit movies, I would compare you to a topless Ishtar.

You’re an overactor, and you take too long to deliver your lines (which is more the director’s and editor’s and writer’s fault than your’s) but I still blame you. Sure you’ve had a few good movies (Collateral, Vanilla Sky, Minority Report, and Magnolia most notably), but the vast majority of your movies have all been the same. You play some rich boy, magazine editor, karate expert bad ass, fighter pilot, sports agent good-guy with nothing to loose until everthing is taken from you. That’s not acting, that’s PLAYING. James Gandolfini in “The Mexican” as a gay hitman, now that’s acting!

I saw that “Inside the Actor’s Studio” with host James Lipton, where you claimed to be so hands on with your every role in every movie from “Top Gun” to “Out of the Closet”, due out sometime next year, where you play some gayfag with aids (not really acting?). You spend months perfecting how your character would act and what he would say, even when you were a nobody. Guess what, genius, you have no right to claim any success for your interpretation of your characters in your movies, because they aren’t created by you; they are created by writers and studio execs. You’re just the face-man, and are as talentless as a blind-deaf prostitute.

You’re not a famous Hollywood hotshot because you’re good, you’re famous because you have been famous for a while and you haven’t done anything incredibly stupid yet. As I said, one more misstep and your life is mine. Keep your $600 an hour hair dresser, and your $500 an hour therapist (if you believe in it) and eff off. In a few years you’ll be forgotten and someone like Bam Margera or The Rock will replace you, and you’ll be in some mental hospital, or in rehab, or hiding in Europe.

The point is, regardless of who kills you or when your life ends or where you hide, you’re still going to be a horri-bill person and a terrible actor.

Speaking of Horri-Bill, I’ve decided to resurrect the HB Awards and turn them into a twice a year event. Send your submissions for actor, actress, movie, and any other category you can think of. Post them here, and Tom Cruise, go to Hell.